


The many faces of love

by DescendingAngel



Category: Hurts (UK Band)
Genre: Developing Relationship, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pride, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 44,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24542236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DescendingAngel/pseuds/DescendingAngel
Summary: Theo is living pretty normal ordinary life, until one day a certain Adam is in need of a ride on his beloved motorcycle. What starts off as giving someone a helping hand turns into a process of self-discovery and realisation that there's much more to life than just sitting in the corner and observing the show around. But how long does it take before the ice breaks?A story dedicated to the 2020 Pride Month
Relationships: Adam Anderson/Theo Hutchcraft
Comments: 78
Kudos: 18





	1. Hold on tight, hope that you make it out alive

The light summer breeze kept messing with my hair and I regretted my decision to not put it into a ponytail. I tried everything. Tucking it into my t-shirt, braiding it, trying one of those hairstyles without any hair accessories...I just failed terribly, no matter how much effort I put into it.

I was standing beside a river, enjoying the calm and quiet atmosphere here. There was some kind of protest in the city that I didn’t feel like participating in. It wasn’t as if I didn’t agree with those people, because I actually did. I just didn’t like crowded places and enjoyed being alone. I expressed my support in different ways.

I could hear sirens in the distance and various scenarios of what could be happening right now filled my mind. I admired everyone who went to these protests and I knew I would never have the confidence to show up on one of them.

The sirens were coming closer to me and I got more and more curious. What could they possibly want in this place? There were no people around, everyone was either at home or at the thing I mentioned earlier.

As the loud disturbing noise reached the street I was on, I spotted a person running in front of a police car, which was chasing them. 

“What the hell?” I muttered to myself. When this unknown human came close enough I recognised a man figure with beard and a little rainbow flag on his cheek.

“Hey, you! Start that thing up!” He gestured towards my motorcycle parked on the side of the road.

“What?” 

“Just drive! Fucking drive!” he shouted again.

“Calm the heck down and get on!” I said while putting on my helmet and waiting for the said person to jump on behind me. He grabbed my waist and I quickly drove off, not really caring where I was going, but making sure I avoided the big crowd of people. I wasn’t really in the mood for getting in trouble for driving someone over, just because of some weirdo running from the police for some reason.

“Take that turn!” I heard from behind me again. In the corner of my eye I saw a hand reaching out, pointing towards an empty allie. I didn’t have any plan where to go, therefore I obeyed and turned to the left, parking in the allie and turning the engine off. We both got down and got as close to the wall as possible, as to not get noticed by the police who was still chasing us, or rather this guy.

“What the-”

“Shut up!” I was silenced by the hand on my mouth. We silently watched the police car drive past us and held our breaths until it drove away.

“Okay, now explain to me who the fuck are you and why did you do this?” I asked with an angry tone in my voice.

“Can we first go somewhere safe where nobody will be looking for us?”

“No way, spit it out right now! You could be a murderer!”

“Adam Anderson is my name and I’m not a murderer, that’s all I’m gonna tell you so far and now, please, take me somewhere safe.” 

I couldn’t tell if this was just an act or if he was really as terrified as he looked, but it was convincing enough to make me give him another drive. 

“Fine, get on.” 

•

We came to a stop in front of my apartment. At this time, there weren’t many safe places, at least none that I knew about and something in this stranger made me want to know more about him. I wanted to get to know him and what sounds better than a warm cup of coffee?

“That was close,” I noted when the first rain drops fell on my leather jacket.

“Come on, I’m really not up for a cold shower.”

I hurried him inside the building and we took the elevator to get on the floor where my apartment was located.

“So, what have you done so bad that the cops went after you?” 

He suddenly got all quiet and didn’t look as confident as before. The rainbow flag on his cheek was smudged and his hair was a mess. The look was rather sad.

“I fought for human rights, that’s what happened,” he answered shortly.

“I don’t believe that. There must be something else.”

“Have you ever been to a pride? It’s supposed to be great and enjoyable, but these asshole ruin it every single time! And by the stares you’re giving me I bet you would most likely do the same!” He snapped angrily. This poor guy really thought I was going to beat him up. I immediately regretted the thought he could be a murderer, as I could see he was as afraid as I was.

“Why would I hurt someone for loving another person?” I looked at him with confusion. It really didn’t make sense to me. Love was love. 

He opened his mouth to say something, but the elevator stopped and he didn’t finish the thought. I walked to my door and did everything on auto-pilot.

“Tea, coffee, water? Or maybe something stronger?” I joked in hopes to lift the mood. 

“Water is fine,” He answered shortly and continued to stay in the same spot.

“Don’t stay there, you can come in.”

“I’m good.” He kept his gaze stuck to the floor and still refused to move.

“Nonsense, come here.”

I took his hand and led him to the kitchen. To my surprise he didn’t have any objections and followed me. I took out one of the chairs so he could sit down and started making tea for both of us. I could see he was shaking from cold, so I completely ditched the idea of giving him only a cup of water and decided to warm him up.

“There you go.” I put the tea in front of him on the table and sat across with my own cup.

“You were accusing me of being a murderer and now you’re acting like one.”

“I’m just trying to help you that’s all.”

“I’m nobody to you, you don’t even know me.”

“Then tell me about yourself.”

He sighed and looked around the room, nervously caressing the mug in his hands. I don’t know what made me do it, but I reached out a put my hand over his fidgeting ones.

“Well, you know my name already and I don’t know what else should I tell you.”

“You could start with what were you doing there and why were you chased.” My hand remained on his the whole time we were talking and after a while a felt his fingers carefully stroking mine.

“I went to the pride with my friends, because we’re all part of the community and we wanted to show our support. But the cops appeared there and I saw them being rude to some people. I couldn’t just stand there and watch the scene, so I walked up to them and started arguing and then they wanted to take me to the station, which I obviously didn’t want, so I just ran and hoped they would leave me alone.”

Deep inside I could feel the regret level rising extremely. I once again experienced the feeling of judging too quickly and it felt terrible.

“I’m sorry for treating you like that earlier. I just don’t usually have people throwing themselves at me.” It was my turn to pull away and look at the ground, but he didn’t hesitate and reached out for my hands.

“Hey, no one’s going to throw themselves down when I’m in the room! You’re attractive so shut up.”

I looked up and made eye contact with him. I also couldn’t help but chuckle at his words. I had a guy in my kitchen who thought I was attractive, what a day!

“Fuck, did I say that out loud?”

“Unless I have a ghost around here.”

We both laughed and continued talking for some more. Of course, the part about his sexual orientation didn’t get skipped and I found out he identified as pansexual, which I haven’t heard of before, but he took the time to properly explain the term to me. 

“I must admit, I don’t really know much about this community. I know there are gay and bisexual people and also transgender people, but that’s about it.” I confessed after I realised this topic was going to be the main subject of tonight.

“But you want to know more right? I can see it in your eyes.”

“Well, maybe? I never really thought about this, I just know it exists and I accept it.”

“I could teach you all the stuff you know? It’s no problem for me, one more supporter is always a good thing.” 

He patiently waited for my answer and stared at me with those puppy dog eyes. On one side I was ready to say yes and listen to him talk for hours, but on the other one I didn’t want to bother him even though he told me he’s completely fine with it. 

“I can hear your mind working Theo, just talk to me. I know it’s a stupid thing to say, since we’ve known each other for only a few hours, but you can trust me. I’m very open-minded and a good listener.” He encouraged me to speak up about all the things running around in my mind. I always got very uncomfortable when asked about my thoughts or something that was clearly bothering me, but I was tired of keeping it inside and maybe this was the right moment to start talking about it. 

“Be honest, am I bothering you with this? I mean it’s very nice of you to explain this to me, but if it’s annoying you don’t have to do it.”

“The only thing that could bother me right now is that not enough people know this and nobody is telling them and therefore there are many misunderstandings and hate going around, which are absolutely unnecessary. If I get the chance to spread the knowledge, I never hesitate and it’s a pleasure.”

He spoke so confidently and with such passion I felt almost overwhelmed. Everything he was saying was music to my ears and he made me feel more confident and comfortable.

“Don’t you worry your precious head, it’s all going to be okay.” He reassured me and sent me a small smile. I had a weird feeling in my stomach and I started fidgeting. Damn, what’s going on with me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back once again with another story. I wanted to take a little break and get myself together before starting this, but the events of the past week or so made me so angry that I couldn't just sit and do nothing. I hope all of you are safe and okay. Happy pride month to everyone and see you in the next chapter :)


	2. Say you’ll catch me when I fall

“So, that’s basically all you need to know for now.” He leaned back on the couch and rubbed his eyes. It was already night hours and I could see he was too tired to continue. I should be tired too, but I was so excited by all the new information he gave me that sleep was the last thing I was thinking about right now.

“Do you have a place to stay at for tonight?” I asked, hoping he would say no. For some odd reason I didn’t want to let him go yet. What if I lost him and never saw him again? I didn’t want to lose him!

“Well, I was supposed to stay at one of my friends’ place for the night, but I don’t know her address and I left my phone in her bag. I don’t know how should I find her.” 

“I was thinking...um, you could spend the night here if you want.” I looked away from him, purely out of the slight embarrassment . I really wanted him to stay, but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

“Are you serious? Of course I’d like to stay here!” His eyes lit up and he hugged me, making me fall down on my back.

“It’s no problem.” I chuckled nervously. What was this guy doing to me? I felt like I was turning to some teenage girl who blushed every time her crush smiled at her.

“I’ll get you some blankets and pillows. If you want to take a shower bathroom is right there.” I pointed in the direction of said room and went to get the blankets for him.

“Thanks.”

The water got turned off a while ago already and I was beginning to get slightly worried. Was everything okay? What if he slipped and fell and he was dead? No, I would’ve heard that. But what if there was really a naked dead body in my shower right now? 

“Adam? Are you okay?” I knocked on the door and waited for his response. 

“Yeah, I just...I guess I need some help here…” 

Well, this was getting weird. What kind of help could he possibly need? I decided to stop overthinking it too much and just went for it.

“Can I come in?”

Before I could open the door he opened it himself and I got a view on his whole upper body, since he only had a towel tied around his waist.

“Sorry, but this thing won’t come off. Do you have a make-up remover or something?”

“I don’t use that stuff. Maybe you could try to scrub it off harder?” 

“That’s impossible, trust me, I already feel like my cheek is going to fall off of my face.”

He ran his hand through his hair and looked into the mirror. The little flag turned into a colourful smudge and one would say it was a bruise. 

“Come here, we’ll try to get it off.”

I grabbed one of the smaller towels and put it under a stream of hot water. He sat down on the closed toilet lid and I stood in front of him. I grabbed his head, so it would stay in place, and rubbed his cheek with as much force as I could, while trying not to hurt him too much. After a few minutes he pushed my hand away and leaned towards the mirror, his cheek red as a tomato.

“I swear I’ve never felt so much pain in my life. This is torture!”

“I’m sorry. Does it look any better?” 

“Not sure, but I give up for today.”

We continued to stand there, just awkwardly looking at each other for a few minutes.

“Can I borrow some clothes from you? I don’t feel like sleeping in my dirty ones.”

“Oh right, I totally forgot about that. I’ll be right back.”

I searched through my drawers, trying to find something a bit smaller, so it would fit him. He was shorter and definitely skinnier than me. Thankfully I managed to find some of the old clothes I used to wear years ago and after taking one look at them I concluded they would be just fine.

“I really hope these will fit y-Jesus Adam!” I rushed to cover my eyes with the hand I wasn’t holding clothes in.

“The towel didn’t want to stay on,” he answered like the fact he was standing naked in my living room was no big deal.

“You could’ve at least warned me!” I threw the clothes in what I assumed was his direction.

“It’s not like you’ve never seen any of this. You’re a man just like me after all, it would be worse if you were a woman.”

“Oh my God just put the clothes on, please.” I turned around and heard a small laugh from behind me.

“Alright, I’m dressed.”

The t-shirt I gave him was only slightly bigger than his thin body and I was glad I kept the old clothes instead of throwing them away. His cheek looked less red and I could see the remains of the flag had almost completely disappeared.

“I hope it fits, do you need something else?” 

“It’s great, thank you. For everything.”

I wished him goodnight and went to my bed. I never believed my life could change so abruptly in only one day, but here I was with Adam peacefully sleeping on my couch and messing with my mind. I just couldn’t get him out and I kept coming back to our conversation and everything that was just so him.

I continued to roll around, not being able to find the right position for falling asleep. I still felt like I had so much energy and I didn’t know what to do with it.

“Screw it.” 

I threw the covers off of me and reached out for my laptop. I had so many questions going around in my head and they weren’t worth waking Adam up.

As the screen lit up the laptop let out the awfully loud sound it makes when you forget to turn off the volume and I silently cursed. If this didn’t wake him up then nothing would.

I opened the browser and kept looking at the empty search bar, thinking about what should I type in first. 

_ How do you know if a guy is interested in you?  _ Oh heck no.

_ What if I find a guy interesting?  _ No, no, no.

_ Could I be bisexual?  _ Damn it.

_ How should I figure out my sexuality?  _ NO!

“Are you okay?” I heard a voice coming from the door and I quickly lowered the screen.

“Um, yes, of course. What’s wrong?” I answered, trying to remain calm. I felt like a teenager whose parents just caught him looking at some inappropriate stuff on the internet.

“You don’t seem exactly put together. Come on, you can tell me.” He sat on the side of my bed, his gaze travelling between me and the laptop in my lap.

“I just didn’t feel tired and decided to watch a movie.” Yeah, very smooth Theo, good job.

“Yeah me neither, can I watch with you?” He scooted closer to me and I pulled away immediately, my heartbeat getting quicker.

“I um...I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I looked at him, fear in my eyes. He didn’t really need to know about all the stuff I was googling earlier.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” He shifted back on the edge of the bed, further away from me.  _ Oh God Theo can’t you just tell him? No. _

“No! You’re not I just...I don’t really want to talk about it. Can we change the subject?” I buried my face into my palms, trying to hide the blush on my cheeks. While attempting to hide the embarrassment I forgot about the laptop that was securely in my grip and suddenly it wasn’t there anymore.

“Adam, please, give it back,” I begged him and tried to snatch it away from his hands. When I realised there was no way I could win this fight I just pressed my knees tight to my chest and curled into a little ball. 

“Hey, you okay?” I felt one of his hands stroking my back.

“Theo, it’s fine. We all go through this at some point,” he continued whispering reassuring words to me.

“I’m just so confused. I feel like this day completely turned my whole life upside down.”

“That’s absolutely okay. We can talk about it if you want, maybe it could help you figure some stuff out.”

Silence creeped into the room and he patiently waited until I calmed down and decided to talk to him again.

“How did you find out?” I asked after a while.

“Well, it all started when I noticed I was checking out guys in high school and I was probably in similar state as you are right now. I didn’t understand what was going on, but I quickly accepted it and just went with it. I thought I was gay, as many people usually do in the beginning, because my full attention was shifted towards guys, maybe just out of curiosity, but I still found many girls attractive.” 

His voice made me relax once again and I carefully listened to his story. I must admit I felt more at ease with him. I knew he would understand me and the deep confusion I was feeling, but the fact that he was the one who made me feel this way was still embarrassing.

“This went on for years and during that time after meeting many new people and a few relationships I realised that I actually didn’t care about the person’s gender. It’s like I explained to you before, if there’s chemistry that’s all that matters to me.”

The silence was there once again and I thought about everything he said. I didn’t like this stage of confusion, it was even scaring me in a way. I thought I finally had it figured out, but clearly I didn’t and it made me furious.

“Why can’t I just know who I am already? Why do I have to go through all of this?” I groaned.

“Where’s the fun in that?” 

“Where’s the fun in any of this?”

“Oh boy, you’ll find out soon.” He laughed and got up, heading back to the living room.

“Can you stay? Please?” I made puppy dog eyes at him. I really didn’t want him far away from me. It felt like he was wrapping his wings around me and protecting me from all the bad stuff when he was nearby.

“If you want me to.” He shrugged and got under the covers with me. I wanted to do something, make a step forward and test the waters, but I didn’t know where I should draw the line and what was okay with him. I slowly moved closer towards him, being very careful with every move, until he lost patience, wrapped his arm around me and brought me as close to him as it was possible at that moment. My heartbeat was rapidly fast once again and I was tense and wide awake.

“Relax, I’m not planning on doing anything more tonight. You don’t have to worry.”

I let out the breath I didn’t even notice I was holding and tried to relax. His fingers kept making small reassuring circles on my arm and I found enough courage to let myself go and lean against him. 

“Goodnight,” he whispered right before I fell asleep in his hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! My heart breaks when I watch all the stuff happening in the world right now. This story, for me, is a way to deal with all the negative emotions inside and I hope it brought a smile to your face as well. Stay strong, we’re in this together <3


	3. Hold on to me

I danced around the kitchen while making breakfast for both of us. The radio played especially good music today and I enjoyed it to the fullest. I swayed my hips from side to side, mouthing the lyrics to The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang.

“I’ve never thought I’d ever see someone dance to this song but here you are anyway.” I heard a voice coming from the doorway.

“Sorry if I woke you up. I couldn’t sleep anymore.”

“Where do you morning birds have all this energy from? I’ll never understand that.”

“Want some coffee?” 

“Sure, every good morning must start with coffee.” He yawned and sat down on the nearest chair. He was still sleepy and I even spotted some dark circles under his eyes. I handed him the mug with fresh coffee and let him get some caffeine in peace, as I could see he wasn’t ready to have a conversation yet.

“Was it because of yesterday?” I heard him say after a few minutes of silence filled only with the music coming from the radio. The catchy tune switched to some instrumental song, creating a very nice atmosphere.

“What exactly do you mean?” I asked, not really understanding the direction of his question.

“I think you know where I’m heading with this.” I paused all my actions and went back to the events of the evening. 

“Maybe.” I answered him shortly and continued making the scrambled eggs. I felt kind of embarrassed for how I expressed my feelings and getting so close to him. I didn’t like opening up too much and when I came back to the memory it made me feel uncomfortable when I remembered how many things I shared with him. Maybe it was only caused by the exhaustion, otherwise I wouldn’t say a word to him about my personal feelings.

“Is everything okay?” 

He seemed genuinely concerned about me, but I didn’t care about it. The only thing on my mind was how I opened up to him. I felt as if I was standing naked right in front of him. I felt vulnerable and exposed. 

I tried to calm down, because after all, i didn’t share my entire life story with him, but it didn’t work. I could still feel the guilt inside and I just wanted to hide under my bed and never come out.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why? It’s clearly bothering you, opening up could help you.”

“That’s exactly the problem! I already opened up too much!” I raised the tone of my voice and judging by his reaction I concluded he was surprised I said something like that.

“That’s it?”

His words silenced me and I was just looking at him, not knowing how to react. Even when I tried to say as little as possible about what I felt at the moment he saw right through me.

“There’s still a bunch of stuff I don’t know about you, so if you’re feeling like an open book, you don’t have to.”

“It just feels weird to share a bed with someone, especially when I barely know them. I never let down my guard like that before.” _Jesus Theo, shut up!_

“You’re telling me you never shared your bed with someone else?” 

I shook my head and he questioningly stared at me.

“Have you ever been in a relationship?”

I shook my head again and shifted my glance towards the floor. So far, I didn’t feel the need to share my life with someone else and honestly, it seemed terrifying. I couldn’t imagine another person by my side who would know so much about me. All private stuff I kept behind the closed doors of my apartment would no longer be safe, but travelling around the world.

“So, this is all new for you, right?”

“I always thought I haven’t found the right one yet and suddenly you appeared here and it all seems overwhelming in a way,” I confessed to him, even when my head was trying to stop me from telling him more. It made me feel even more stressed and I could feel my legs shaking under my weight. For some reason I wanted to challenge myself, see how far I could go with this before I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Where do you want to draw the line then? I don’t want to cross it and make you uncomfortable.”

“I um...I don’t really know.” I sighed and buried my face in my palms. I was lost. This was unknown territory and I couldn’t tell what was too much and what wasn’t.

I heard him get up from his seat and come closer to me. The distance between us got smaller and smaller until he stood so close to me I was sure he could hear my heart beating like crazy in my chest. He kept looking into my eyes, searching for any sign of fear in them. All of a sudden he encircled his arms around my waist and pulled me even closer. I was prepared to say no to him any second if he was going to kiss me, but to my surprise he just leaned against me and put his head on my shoulder. I freezed for a second, but then found enough courage to put my arms around him as well.

We stayed like that for quite a long time and I found myself almost completely relaxed by the time he started to pull away.

“Better?” 

“A bit.”

“Good, shall we eat the breakfast now? It looks delicious.” He sent me a smile and took one of the two plates from the counter. I snapped out of the trance and joined him at the table, still not quite over the moment that just happened between the two of us

•

“Are you planning on contacting your friend any soon?” I asked him when another stupid ad interrupted the movie we were watching.

“Well, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to call her since I don’t have my phone and I don’t know her phone number.”

“Do you know your phone number?” I grabbed my phone from the table, assuming he had his phone number saved somewhere in his memory.

“Sure, give me that thing.” He gestured towards my phone and typed it in. He looked up at me and I nodded to let him know he should try to dial it and maybe his friend would pick it up. 

“Hello? Who’s this?” A female voice answered.

“Liz? Is that you?” 

“Adam! Are you okay? Where are you? We were so worried after the cops went after you!” 

“Don’t worry, I’m better than ever. I’m with one guy who saved me.” As he was saying it I received a wink from him and a slight smirk. The blush rose to my cheeks and I felt like I was on fire.

“You really didn’t hesitate for too long. Is he hot?” Adam was quiet for a second and I furrowed my eyebrows. What did she mean by him not hesitating for too long?

“He’s nice.” He paused once again and the person on the other side of the line wasn’t saying anything as well.

“I was wondering, where should I look for you? You didn’t even give me your address.” He started looking for a piece of paper to write it down and eventually he found it along with some pen. 

I didn’t bother to listen to the rest of their conversation. My mind kept coming back to what this Liz meant by her previous statement. Adam didn’t tell me much about his private life and it was none of my business, but somewhere inside me I felt this had something to do with his love life and I found myself being somewhat jealous and hurt. It was stupid of me to feel those things, mostly because Adam was just some stranger that spent the night at mine and let me tell him some of my problems. Was I really developing some kind of attachment to him? Was he feeling the same way towards me?

“Okay, I’ll be right there. See ya.” He ended the call and gave me my phone back, but I didn’t react since I was spacing out a little.

“Theo?” He called out to me and I woke up from my daydreaming.

“What’s wrong?” 

“It’s nothing.” I shrugged it off and reached out for the phone. As I wanted to take it from his hand he tightened his grip on it and didn’t let me get a hold of it. 

“Is it about the thing Liz said?” He looked deep into my eyes and hoped for an answer.

“No, it’s fine.” I broke the eye contact and once again tried to take the phone. 

“Are you jealous?” He said in a high pitched voice. 

“What? Why would I be jealous? I don’t even know what is this about!” I defended myself. At this point I completely gave up trying to take my phone back and stood up from the couch. I paced back and forth around the room until Adam stopped me.

“Why are you making me force you to tell me things? I thought we were over that already.”

“I told you I don’t like opening up to people. I’ll just give you a ride wherever you need to go and you’ll forget about me.” I turned around and walked in the direction of the door. My expectations were that he would go after me and convince me to tell him what was going around my head, but to my surprise he just followed me outside and didn’t say a word. 

We were both quiet until we reached the address Adam gave me earlier. 

“Well, thanks for allowing me to stay with you. Goodbye.” He turned his back to me before I could say anything and walked away. 

The whole ride home I couldn’t get him out of my head and it was hurting me. But I had no reason for that, after all, it was me who pushed him further and further away from me and then told him to leave. 

No matter how much I tried I just couldn’t forget about this guy. When I came home everything was just Adam. The clothes he borrowed from me, now folded on my bed, reminded me of him. Even the chair he sat on screamed Adam to me. 

“Damn it.”

I decided to distract myself with anything I could find at the moment. I washed the dishes, organised my closet as the perfectionist I was, arranged all the books I had in alphabetical order along with the CDs placed right under them. I spent hours doing random stuff to get my mind off of this one particular man, but he was still there.

I ended up laying on my bed, phone in my hand and my thumb lingering above the call button next to one specific number. He didn’t delete it, probably on purpose, and I couldn’t resist but save it just in case. The case being I missed him.

I kept hovering over the mentioned button and thinking if this was the right decision. The phrase _my head was saying no, but my heart was telling me otherwise_ finally made sense to me and these two parts were having a war between them. 

“Well, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” I asked myself out loud and clicked the call button.

“Is this who I think it is?” I heard Adam’s voice on the other side of the line. I wanted to answer, but tears filled my eyes and my voice cracked when I attempted to say anything.

“I miss you.” I finally choked out and after that I didn’t have the strength to hold back anymore and I broke down crying with Adam still there on the phone, trying to calm me down.

“I miss you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some days the chapters write themselves and some I just stare at a blank page for hours with no idea what am I doing with my life. Anyway, thank you for reading! I really appreciate it and I’m wondering what you think of this story so far. I kinda lost inspiration when I saw all the hate towards pansexuality on the internet, since I have a pan character in here, but then I somehow got through it and although it makes me sad I’m not planning on changing it. I hope you’re all safe and okay, see you in the next chapter <3


	4. Close your eyes again and hope the fireworks never end

The shirt I wore was sticking to my body and I don’t remember the last time I felt so uncomfortable. Today was an especially hot day and the air in this little coffee shop could be compared to hell. But nevertheless people still ordered warm coffee and enjoyed it as if it was freezing outside.

It had been a while since the last person left and I was taking a little break with a glass full of cold water. Not that it was helping my current situation in any way, but the feeling of the cool liquid going through my body was just priceless.

The door swung open and I groaned at the thought of another customer asking me to make a hot coffee. I got up from my sitting spot, put on my happy face and went to the front desk to take the order.

“Hello, what can I get you?” The question automatically left my mouth, before I took a look at the person standing in front of me.

“Something very cold, please. I feel like I might die in a second.”

The voice sounded very familiar and suddenly my heat clouded mind started working again and recognised the man.

“Adam!” I quickly walked out from behind the counter and gave him a hug. There was no one else here, so I could take my time with his order.

“I see you really missed me.”

“I’m sorry for saying those things yesterday. I don’t know what’s going on with me.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He sent me a smile and we talked some more while I prepared him an iced coffee.

“When does your shift end?” 

“In like half an hour. Why?”

“Can I take you out somewhere?”

“You mean like a date?” I stared at him in confusion. I was still pretty new to all of this and while I saw relationships in movies and all around me, I still felt kind of lost.

“If you want to call it that, yes.”

“Well, um, sure, why not.” I took his empty glass and started cleaning the tables. I wanted to get out of here as soon as I possibly could and this desperation almost caused me to knock over a few things, but thankfully I didn’t break anything.

“Ready?” Adam asked when I walked out from the back of the shop.

I nodded my head and followed his lead to some unknown place

•

“Okay, you can open them now.” Adam instructed me when we stopped walking. I had to close my eyes to not ruin the surprise and it was all fun and games until I stumbled and almost fell right on my face countless times, but eventually I made it in one piece.

The view in front of me was unbelievable. The sun was setting down, painting the sky in pink and orange, and the buildings underneath us just added beauty to the whole scenery.

“I hope you’re not too disappointed.” 

“Absolutely not! This is amazing!”

We sat down in the grass, admiring the view and just enjoying each other’s company. All of a sudden I felt something touching my hand and in fear of the strange feeling I quickly pulled my hand away.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Adam scratched the back of his neck and looked away from me.

“Oh that was you? I thought it was a bug or something,” I apologised.

“Nope, that was me.” 

There was a very uncomfortable and awkward silence set between us and I felt bad for ruining the moment. Should I try again?

I looked down between us and saw that our hands were still pretty close. I shifted closer and placed my fingers over his. I spotted a small smile forming on his face and I was happy with my decision to give it a shot.

He took my hand in his properly and we stayed like that in silence, until I felt his gaze on me. I turned my head to the side and stared into his eyes. My heart was racing in my chest, because I didn’t know what was going on. His look kept going from my lips to my eyes and he started to slowly lean in, keeping the eye contact in case I wanted to pull back.

When we finally met, I expected all the tingles and fireworks, like in those romantic movies, but it was just a kiss. 

He pulled away, but stayed close, neither of us knowing what was coming next. My head was full of confusion and questions and I leaned in one more time, searching the feeling I should’ve found already. But nothing happened.

I didn’t know what I was doing, but as he deepened the kiss I tried my best to follow his lead. The magical fireworks were still nowhere to be seen and it wasn’t as if I didn’t enjoy it or didn’t like Adam, I just couldn’t find the pleasure in it.

I felt his hand coming up to caress my cheek and he slightly turned his head to the side, his tongue going over my bottom lip. The shock forced me to pull away and I just sat there staring at him with fear and confusion. 

“Are you okay? I’m sorry if I took it too far, I thought you were enjoying it.” There was concern in his voice and he tried his best to not freak me out too much, but I felt so lost and strange that his words didn’t comfort me nor calmed me down.

“Where were the fireworks?” I blurted out the question without thinking about it, only then, after spotting the surprised expression on his face, realising it was probably a stupid thing to say.

“What are you talking about?” 

“I’m looking for the fireworks and amazing feeling, but I can’t find it.”

He kept looking at me as if he was seeing an alien and I couldn’t find the right words to describe the mess in my mind.

“I was expecting something different,” I mumbled.

“Was it so bad?” 

“No! It’s not that, I just...I don’t really know how I feel about it.”

I turned away from him and looked at the city below us. This was supposed to be one of the best moments of my life and i ruined it. He tried to make everything perfect and I didn’t appreciate it the way I should have.

“I’m sorry.” I hid my face in the palms of my hands and felt my eyes fill with tears.

“Hey, it’s okay. Maybe we just took it too fast. What about some nice movie to end this properly?” He stroked my back and I tried to calm myself down. He wasn’t mad at me, so why was I? He didn’t run away, but stayed with me. He cared about me.

“That sounds good,” I answered, wiping my wet eyes and giving him a small smile.

“Great, let’s go.” He stood up and offered me his hand. I gratefully accepted it and let him help me get up from the ground. I could feel he wanted to let me go, but I tightened my grip and let him know I was okay with this. 

•

3rd person POV

“This was a great movie! You really know how to choose.” Adam’s excited voice sounded through the dark room, the brightness of the television being the only source of light.

“Theo?” 

He looked down when his friend wasn’t responding, seeing him already asleep, his head comfortably sat on his thighs. The light shone on his beautiful face and the man couldn’t help but smile at the sight. He was really falling for him, but not in the usual way. This was new to him, probably as much as it was new to Theo. 

So far, the people he had been together with, already had it figured out and they knew what they wanted and what they were looking for. Theo was different. He was still discovering himself as a person and Adam felt responsible for him in a way. He didn’t consider Theo as a kid he had to take care of, even if he was a bit older. He felt more like a cheerleader supporting a football team, celebrating every victory and sympathizing with every loss.

He moved a few strands out of the latter’s eyes, appreciating the view he got. Theo finally looked calm and peaceful and he couldn’t be more happy to see him like this. 

When he kissed him back there, he couldn’t help but think he got the wrong signal from Theo and he thought he burned down everything that was building up between the two of them, but after the other’s confession he understood what seemed to be the matter. There were still many walls between them and he could see that Theo wasn’t so sure about breaking them. Not yet at least. But Adam respected it and he wanted to let him take his time and open up when he felt like it. There was no need to rush things.

He carefully lifted Theo’s head and moved from underneath him right behind his body. His hand ended up thrown across the other’s waist and he brought him closer to his chest. 

After some time Theo shifted in his arms and turned around. He put his head on Adam’s chest and held him close as if he was his favourite teddy bear. A satisfied sigh left him and they both stayed in each other’s embrace the whole night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This took me such a long time to write and I’m sorry for it, but I finally managed to get myself together and finish it. I got stuck at one point and I didn’t know what to do to move forward and I came across an article about how to continue writing when you get stuck and one of the suggestions was to change the point of view and it worked. Such a simple thing to do and I never thought about it...anyway, I hope you liked this chapter and also the story so far. I’ll try my best to finish the next chapter sooner than this one. See you there :)


	5. Better than love

Adam’s POV 

I was woken up by a loud noise of something, or rather someone, falling on the floor. My eyes opened, immediately shocked by the sharp light in the room. I shifted my gaze towards the floor, only to spot Theo hissing in pain, rubbing his eyes. A fall on the floor wasn’t the best way to wake up, but looking at the little space on the couch, since most of it was occupied by my own body, I wasn’t surprised he had fallen down. 

“Are you okay?” I reached out to help him get up, but he didn’t react to my gesture in any way. He froze when I spoke, looked up and his expression switched from painful to shocked within a short amount of time.

“Wh-what are you doing here?”

“You invited me to watch a movie together, don’t you remember?”

He furrowed his eyebrows and I could hear the pages turning in his head, searching for the point in the story which he clearly missed, but didn’t notice at first.

“I um...I’m gonna take a shower.” He got up and headed for the bathroom, ruffling his hair from nervousness.

It was my turn to get confused now. I watched him disappear behind the door, making eye contact with me for a quick second before escaping my gaze and shifting it towards the floor. 

I was still unsure of what was going on in his mind that made him act like this. Was it because of yesterday? Or maybe because of the fact that he woke up in my arms once again? At this point I started to think I had even more unanswered questions than he did.

I heard the shower turn on and I was deciding between attempting to make breakfast or leaving. Maybe all he needed was time alone to figure out some things and then come back to me once he sorted it out. But maybe he also needed to talk and wanted me by his side right now. Well, he can always call me, right? 

An incoming notification interrupted my train of thoughts. I picked up my phone from the table and noticed I had a few missed calls and tons of messages from Liz. Basically, she went from a worried mum to an understanding friend who realised that I most likely spent the night at my latest love interest’s flat and the most recent message was informing me about her going to work and leaving the key under the mat, in case I planned on coming home before her. I didn’t bother to answer her, I would just wait until she got home.

I put the phone in my pocket and looked for a piece of paper, to write a note for Theo. Leaving was probably a pretty douchebag move from me, but not leaving at least a note would be even more unacceptable. 

I left it there on the small table in the living room and left the place. I felt like I came back to those days where I used to have one night stands almost every day and in the morning I would just leave as quietly and quickly as possible. It was wrong to compare Theo to those meaningless fucks, but I couldn’t help myself. I thought, especially after yesterday, that there was some trust building between us, but this morning flooded my head with a lot of doubt. His distance behaviour was scaring me in a way and I was afraid I was losing him as quickly as I gained him. 

•

A catchy tune of the song I chose earlier filled the uncomfortable silence as I continued to make dinner. Well, if microwave pasta counts as dinner of course. The doorbell suddenly interrupted my own private concert and I rushed to open it. Behind them stood Liz, apparently very excited to finally see me, as she hugged me very tightly when I appeared in the doorway.

“Look who’s finally home!” A big smile was set on her face and her eyes sparkled with happiness.

“Dinner is almost ready, come on in.”

As I entered the kitchen I spotted the water started boiling over the small bowl with the pasta. I ran to the microwave and pushed a button to make it stop, but I wasn’t fast enough.

“Damn it,” I cursed while tearing the paper towels to wipe the mess.

“Honestly, I’ve never thought I’d see someone actually dance to The Bad Touch,” Liz pointed out exactly like I did when I was in Theo’s flat.

“Well, why not? Life’s short.”

Somewhere deep inside me I could hear this little voice screaming at me, saying that I did it just because it reminded me of Theo and made me feel closer to him, but of course I wouldn’t admit it.

“True.” 

She opened the almost empty fridge and took out two bears while I finished cleaning the microwave. I took out the bowl and mixed the contains of it with some milk and cheese until it looked at least a bit edible. I handed Liz one of the bowls and she set the beer in front of me. 

She talked about her day and annoying customers as always and I laughed at some of her stories and some just made me roll my eyes and question the future of humanity. 

It was just another nice evening. Everything looked calm, but I could feel the raging storm inside of my head. Several questions kept flying around and I didn’t have the answers I so desperately needed.

“How did it go with Theo?” Liz interrupted the silence. 

“It was okay,” I responded shortly and looked down at my food.

“You can fool anyone else but not me Anderson. What happened?”

I leaned back and completely abandoned the dinner. I was hesitating whether I wanted to share something like this with her, but, after all, I knew I could trust her with things like this.

“He just...keeps pulling away. I don’t know if I’m going too fast for him or if I’m doing something wrong. I can definitely feel the connection between us, but he seems to be afraid of every single touch.”

She didn’t say anything for a while, processing everything I told her. 

“Have you kissed him already?” She took a sip from her beer, keeping the eye contact with me, as if I was going to forget the question if she didn’t hypnotise me.

“Yeah, yesterday.” 

“And?”

“And what? I thought everything was going great, but then he fucking pulled back and told me he didn’t feel anything!”

At this point I raised the tone of my voice and ran my fingers through my hair from frustration. I knew this would be much different than anything I’ve had before, but a small part in me needed the next step, craved it.

“I mean, he told me this was his first serious kind of relationship or whatever we even are and I respect it, but it feels like he pushes me away, as if he still didn’t trust me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“Adam, has he told you anything about his sexuality?”

“No, I just know he’s confused.”

“I think you should probably have this conversation. Maybe it’s different than you think it is.”

“What do you mean?”

She was going to answer me, but a notification on my phone cut her off. I took a look at the lit up screen and I swear my heart skipped a beat or two.

**_Theo_ **

_Hey, can we talk?_

_  
**Adam**_

_Sure, do you want me to come over again?_

_  
**Theo** _

_Only if you want to_

I didn’t bother to text him back, as I headed towards the door.

“Speak of the devil.” Liz laughed and I heard her say goodbye before I shut the door behind me and left. 

•

“Hi.”

“Are we okay?” I blurted out as soon as Theo opened the door.

“Yes, I um...I’m sorry for the way I acted today,” he started, but I interrupted him.

“I’d rather talk about this inside.”

“Of course, come in.”

He stepped aside and let me in. I walked to his living room and just seeing the couch there brought back the events of this morning. 

“Okay, I really want to get this off of my chest after the entire day. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I just don’t feel all the butterflies and fireworks everyone is talking about. You’re amazing and I love spending time with you, but when you kissed me I didn’t feel the excitement I probably should’ve felt and I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to fix this. Also, sorry for freaking out this morning, I’m just so confused and I have no idea what’s going on and what should I do and what I shouldn’t do.” He talked very quickly and his voice broke a few times in the end of his monologue.

I felt bad when I remembered what I said earlier. This poor guy was struggling with himself and I was complaining about not getting laid already, like I always did. All of my last relationships seemed to work in a similar way. We attracted each other, we spent time together, then we moved the business to bed and after a few weeks broke up for some reason. This wasn’t the same thing and I was aware of it in my head, but my body settings were working in a different mode for such a long time that I was pretty confused myself as well.

“Theo, there’s nothing wrong with you.” I sighed and sat down on the couch. He sat next to me and I could see how tense he was. I knew where this was heading and I didn’t understand how could I be so blind.

“When I told you about this stuff have you thought ‘ah yes this is me’ when I mentioned something specific?”

“Well, bisexual maybe? I really have no idea.”

“Sexuality is something you should figure out yourself with time, so I don’t really want to put you in some specific box when it doesn’t even have to be true, but I think you should look more into the label asexuality.”

And there we were. He was confused even more than before and I couldn’t believe I used that word for the very first time in my life. It wasn’t as if I didn’t respect it or understand it; I actually did and I met some people who labeled themselves with it, but I never fell for anyone who could possibly be asexual. 

“Wh-what does that mean?” He turned to look at me and I saw the desperation to know all the answers in his eyes. 

“It means that you don’t feel sexual attraction towards other people. You just don’t really need the sex part in a relationship,” I explained. His expression was a mix of various emotions and I watched how he tried to process everything I told him.

“But I...I like you Adam.” 

“No one says you can’t fall in love, you can be biromantic for example. It’s like bisexuality, but in a romantic way only.” 

“So I can be asexual but still biromantic?”

“Yes.”

“Wait, so, there are also people who don’t want the love part?” He turned his whole body towards me and waited for my answer.

“Yes, kind of.” I nodded.

“Wow, you guys have everything.”

“We have everything,” I corrected him. He was a part of us now, wasn’t he?

“We,” he repeated after me and smiled. It felt good to see him happy instead of a ball of confusion and sadness. 

I decided to take the opportunity, since we were pretty close, so I slowly leaned in, in case he wanted to back off. To my surprise I felt his lips on mine in a matter of seconds. 

We didn’t stay together for too long and pulled away after a while. It was just a little make up kiss instead of a make up sex.

“Okay?” I asked to make sure I didn’t cross the line.

“Okay.” He sent me a smile and pecked me on the lips once again. It was so unexpected I even blushed a bit.

“I know it’s getting late but are you up for some baking? I’m really in the mood for a cake.”

“Cake for dinner? You’re crazy, but I’m in.”

“Awesome!” He grabbed my hand and helped me get up from the couch. He led me to the kitchen and I observed him while he picked out all the things we needed according to the recipe in his phone. This was going to be great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I’m finally back. This was supposed to be written a few days ago already, but my entire life and mental health turned against me and I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse. But everything is getting better now and hopefully it will stay that way, because I’m so tired of everything. I feel like Hurts come back and announce something exactly when I need it the most, so big thanks to them for giving me hope and faith (both the album and the feeling). What do you guys think about Suffer? I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. Anyway, I hope you liked this comeback chapter. See you soon :)


	6. Don’t leave tonight

“So, what brought you here?” Theo asked me as he sat down, wiping his hands on one of the towels. The timer for the cake was set for forty minutes and therefore we had plenty of time to talk now.

“Well, except for the Pride, I’m kind of running away from home,” I admitted, putting down some of the walls between us. I thought that maybe if I open up about some parts of my life Theo would feel comfortable enough to talk about something too.

“Why are you running away? Don’t you like your hometown?”

“No it’s not that.” 

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I always hated to go into details about this topic, but once I started it’s probably fair to finish it right?

“I never felt like I fit into my family. I disagree with many things they do and think and I tried to express it, but no matter how hard I tried and how respectful I was, it always ended up with them yelling at me, shaking their heads and drinking until they turned into someone else. I realise it’s my family, but what’s the point in surrounding myself with people that hurt me and make me feel bad?”

Theo carefully listened to every word I spoke and I was glad I let down some of the weight I was carrying.

“One would say you’re citing a script from some teenage movie where the main character runs away,” he said after a while with a little laugh.

“It was a nightmare.”

I looked at him with a serious face and spotted the slight regret. I knew he just wanted to cheer me up and ease the tension that appeared in the room, but all the memories coming back prevented me from finding the joke funny.

“I was completely misunderstood, I basically cried and suffered through, what were supposed to be, the happiest years of my life. I was questioning myself and I was lost. I needed help, but nobody cared. I got yelled at almost every damn day and when I ran away to find understanding and help all I got was ‘yeah, you have it hard, but at least it will make you tough and unbreakable’. It was bullshit. I was so broken at that time, I didn’t think I could break even more, but I did with each day.”

Tears filled my eyes as I remembered all the things I have been called, how I’ve been treated and how I cried for hours, while everyone else was having fun.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, you can’t change what happened.”

“I wish I could, because you deserve better.” He placed his hand on mine and made small circles on it.

“You barely know me.”

“That doesn’t matter, nobody deserves to be treated like that.”

At this point I started sobbing and quickly wiping away my tears. The words of my father sounded in my ears, making the situation even worse.

_ You have no reason to cry! Stop fucking crying! You’re a crybaby! _

“Here.” Theo handed me a glass of water and some tissues. I gladly accepted it and nodded instead of saying thank you. I didn’t trust my voice.

“Sorry.”

“Why do you apologise? It’s okay, better than holding everything in.” He stood up, came to me and kissed my forehead. I barely registered what was happening, but I guessed he went to check the timer.

“We still have a few minutes.” He leaned against the counter while I tried my best to calm down.

“So, um...you’re living with that girl now?” 

“Liz, yes, she’s awesome and very sweet. I still don’t know how to thank her for allowing me to stay at her place until I find something else for myself.”

He seemed to be thinking intensely about something and I thought I already knew what it was.

“Are you sure you want to make that decision right now?” I asked before he had a chance to say something.

“Just...my intuition is going in this direction and I would love to have you by my side everyday. After all, you’re here almost every day anyway,” he pointed out and I chuckled, because he was right.

“We’ll talk about this in the morning. It’s too late to think rationally.”

The timer interrupted our conversation and Theo opened the oven to take out the cake. I checked the time on my phone, the digits, which read 23:48, just confirming my previous statement.

“Well, it’s not so bad. I’m sure it tastes good enough.” 

“If I were you I would leave it to cool down.” I stopped him, for I saw him getting ready to take a bite from it. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” 

He set down the fork and looked around the kitchen. It was a mess. The sink was filled with dirty dishes and Theo just sighed before he got ready to clean all of them.

“I’ll do it, you can go to sleep.” I gently grabbed him by his hips and pushed him to the side.

“No, it’s fine.”

“You’re going to work tomorrow, I’m not, so don’t argue with me and go to sleep.”

“Yes mum.” He rolled his eyes and walked out of the kitchen.

I was still thinking about what I was getting myself into. I wasn’t even sure I still knew how to do long term relationships after so many one night stands, but I was willing to try and do everything I could to keep this going. I wanted to make this relationship work.

I turned off the water and wiped my hands. I didn’t really know where should I go now. Was Theo waiting for me? Should I just go and sleep on the couch? 

I went to the living room, but saw no blankets or pillows sitting there on the couch for me. Now I only had one option left and that was go to the bedroom either for a blanket or the rest of the night.

When I entered I got the sight of Theo peacefully sleeping just like yesterday and it was beautiful. I smiled at him and turned to go back, as I didn’t want to wake him up.

“Stay,” his rough, sleepy voice spoke to me.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, please.”

He moved to make room for me and I lay down next to him. We both closed our eyes and it was quiet for a while, but then Theo started talking again.

“I really didn’t want to bother you with this, but I keep coming back to your call with Liz and what she said.” 

“I was in a relationship that turned out bad, is that enough?”

“What happened?”

I groaned in frustration and sat up, leaning against the headboard. Theo sat up as well and kept looking at me with his deep brown eyes, piercing me with his look.

“Alright, fine, but you owe me at least one personal question.”

“Deal.”

“This is going to sound like a teenage movie again, but I swear it’s not like that. It all happened last year and rather quickly. I used to work at this small coffee shop, still in my hometown, and I didn’t make much, since we barely had customers, but I liked it there. It was just a nice place and we all hoped to make it bigger one day. Long story short, once we had this very cute and cool guy come in and I immediately felt attracted to him, but, you know, what could be the chance he was into guys too? I took his order and when he turned around to find a place to sit I spotted a small rainbow pin on his backpack and I swear time stopped. I felt like I should give it a shot and try to talk to him to find out if we had something in common. When I told my coworker his order I also asked him if I should approach him. The café was a safe place for everyone and this guy was my good friend and we were open about everything, so I trusted him. He encouraged me to talk to him and so I did it.”

Theo was looking into the distance, but he was still awake and listening to me.

“The conversation was very awkward, but in the end we exchanged our numbers and agreed to meet up later that week. After a few dates we had our first kiss and started dating. I was still living with my parents who didn’t know about my sexuality and after like a month he asked me to move in. I was deeply in love with him and believed this would last forever and so I agreed. I told my parents I found a girlfriend and we bought a flat together and I somehow convinced them that she was very shy, so I will introduce her later, which practically meant I would introduce my boyfriend when I was ready to come out. So, I moved in with him and I was more happier than ever. I was away from my family, living with the love of my life and everything was just perfect, but the nice things don’t last too long, right?”

I took a deep breath and prepared for the tough part of the story. Theo apparently saw I got nervous and grabbed my hand as a silent sign of support.

“After that he started to visit me at my job regularly and whenever I was talking to the good friend of mine, his name was Paul actually, he got angry and asked me several questions on who he was and stuff like that. I kept telling him that Paul was straight and we were just friends, but his jealousy just grew bigger and bigger until it crossed a line. He forced me to quit the job and completely cut off my contact with Paul. I did it, because I was scared. I didn’t even have the chance to tell Paul something, I deleted his number from my phone while my boyfriend watched me to make sure I wasn’t lying to him and I never saw him again. I didn’t try to look for him on social media or anywhere else to tell him what was going on, because everything I did was practically monitored by him. The only people I could talk to were my parents and whenever I got a call or a message from them he had to see it or listen to everything we were talking about. I just completely lost my freedom and I wasn’t allowed to do anything. This was going on for months until I finally got the balls to do something about it. One day he went shopping and since he was very organised I already knew how long he will be gone. It was exactly thirty one minutes, sometimes thirty two when there were many people. He set cameras everywhere and he always got a message when someone entered the flat or left it, so inviting someone in or leaving was impossible. The walk to the supermarket took about eight to nine minutes so I waited for approximately ten minutes just to make sure he was already inside and then I left my phone on the table and left.”

My voice started shaking as all the memories kept coming back. The worst thing was that this wasn’t even that long ago, it still felt like it happened yesterday.

“I just had to do something because I didn’t want to live like this anymore. I’ve had enough. The whole time I was outside I was looking around in case he would come back earlier and I was completely terrified. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen if he caught me. I headed to the coffee shop, hoping I would find Paul there. It was a long time since we saw each other, but it was my only chance and even if I wouldn’t find him, I could still hide there and get some help. Thankfully, I saw him right when I entered. We were both happy to see each other and since I didn’t have much time I tried to tell him everything important as quickly as I could. He was furious and wanted to beat up that bastard, but I calmed him down and then he called the police. They also sent two officers to the café to make sure I was safe and he wouldn’t come and hurt me or Paul. It all happened in the blink of an eye. I gave Paul the address, they came for him, arrested him and he went to jail. I never told about this to my parents. I just called them when I came to get my stuff and told them we broke up and I was moving in with Paul. I stayed with him for a couple of months, but then he found a girlfriend and I didn’t want to be in their way, so I moved in back with my parents for some time, before I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran away. I didn’t tell them anything, I just left them a note saying I was leaving and came here. I met Liz through her Instagram page, where she posted some LGBT+ related things and I just texted her one day, told her I loved what she was doing and we just kept talking for a long time. She became my other very good friend along with Paul and when I told her about my situation she invited me to come here and live with her.” I let out a breath and still tried to process the whole thing. It felt like a dream.

“Are you still in contact with Paul?” Theo asked after a while.

“Yes, we text and make sure we’re both doing okay. I really owe him for everything he has done for me. And also Liz, those two mean the world to me.” 

Theo smiled and pecked me on the lips. I calmed down and focused only on the feeling of his lips on mine and the present. This was in the past. Theo was a good person and he could never hurt me in such a way. 

“I’m glad you’re doing well now, nobody should go through something like that. I can’t imagine it.”

“Don’t even try to, it was hell.”

“You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met, I mean, after all of this you still hopped on my motorcycle and ordered me to drive away with you.” He laughed and I couldn’t help but laugh with him.

“Well, something inside just told me you were the right person to go to and look at us now.”

We both laughed again and he put his head on my shoulder. I put mine on top of his and we stayed like that until I spotted that Theo fell asleep. I got lucky to meet him. Maybe it was the Universe’s way of saying sorry for putting me through that thing and I gladly accepted the apology, because it was the best one I’ve ever received.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This is one of the longest chapters I’ve ever written and I’m very pleased with it. I just love Paul so much I had to put him in the story, he’s awesome. I hope you like this one as much as I do. We finally know something more about Adam and hopefully Theo will say something about his past too. But there’s still some time for that. See you in the next chapter :)


	7. I wish I’d known that it would be this hard

Even though Theo tried his best to not wake me up by leaving my embrace, he didn’t succeed.

“Where are you going?” I mumbled, my voice still rough.

“I’m hungry. I’ve been up for like two hours already.”

“What’s the time.”

“About half past eight.”

“Dude, that’s too early.” I turned to lay on my front and hugged the pillow instead of Theo’s nice body.

“Not for me.” He gave me a small kiss on my temple and quietly walked out of the room.

This time, there wasn’t music keeping him company and I could take some more time to wake up. 

As I moved my left leg slightly up to get more comfortable I felt shivers go down my spine and I let out a shaky breath, both actions out of my control. My heartbeat got faster and stronger and I opened my eyes in fear.  _ Oh God not now and not here. _

I carefully rolled on my back, trying my best to not cause any more friction on the mattress, and when I spotted the hard on lower on my body I felt like cutting the damn thing off.

“For fuck’s sake.”

I rubbed my eyes and thought about what to do. I couldn’t just jump Theo with morning sex and I also couldn’t just take care of it right now and in his bedroom. Cold shower would be the best solution right now, but it was all the way across the flat and I had to pass kitchen on my way there. 

I groaned in frustration from both my little problem and not having a solution for it. At moments like this I really wished I could be a woman.

Some more minutes and prayers for it to disappear I smelled something sweet coming from the kitchen. It was an indication that breakfast was almost ready and I was losing time. 

“Okay, think Adam. How have you done this when you were younger and sharing a room with your brother?” I asked myself. For years I didn’t have to do it secretly, so my skill of being as quiet and not obvious as possible had faded away.

It was getting worse with each second and it looked like I’ll have to just go take a shower and risk Theo seeing me. But it was still better than making his sheets a mess, right? And he was a grown man, he would most likely understand and not make a big deal out of it.

“Surprise!” Theo entered the room with a big tray in his hands and on it was the food he prepared for both of us. I looked at him in shock, because I was just getting up from the bed, elbows supporting me, and therefore he had a view on my whole body in its glory.

“So you weren’t pressing a knife to my back after all, huh?” He lifted one of his eyebrows and leaned against the doorframe.

“Um, sorry for that. I was just going to um...take a shower,” I stammered and pushed my legs to my chest to cover what was going on downstairs.

“Well, I’ll leave you...sort that out in peace.” He turned around and left with the tray.

I sighed and quickly got up to finally take the shower I was so desperate for. Thankfully, mornings were already hot enough, so the cold water was more refreshing than uncomfortable.

After a while I heard a knock on the door and Theo peeked in, putting a towel on the cabinet next to the sink.

“Thank you.” 

I expected he would leave immediately, but he stayed there.

“You all right?”

“Yeah, just...you have a nice body.” Even through the glass of the shower I could see him blushing and looking at the ground.

“I would agree, but there’s still you in the room.”

His eyes widened and he quietly left. I laughed and shook my head at the old pick up line and washed the shampoo off of me.

When I came back to the bedroom I spotted some clothes on the bed. They smelt like Theo and even though he was right in the next room I missed his closeness and his scent.

The kitchen was filled with strange atmosphere and some kind of tension. I sat opposite Theo, who was quietly eating the pancakes he made.

“You know, you could’ve just said you need some time alone. I would understand, I mean...it happens to everyone,” he suddenly started talking and looked up from his plate.

“To be honest, if I didn’t respect you as much as I do I would just take you right here on this table.” Theo almost choked when he heard me say those words.

“I’m just joking.”

“You would really do that?”

“Sure, why not.”

“It’s just...I find it hard to believe that someone would ever think of me in this way.”

“Theo, you’re very attractive and you pull me in like a magnet. And it’s not just your body or appearance in general, you’re different than any guy I’ve met in my whole life and I want to know every part of you. Every dark corner.” 

The room got silent again and while I was eating, Theo’s mind was working and he attempted to say something, but he repeatedly opened and closed his mouth.

“Just ask already.” 

“Yesterday, you mentioned that I might be asexual and it’s not that I don’t understand it, but...oh God this is such an embarrassing morning.” He hid his face in his palms.

“Hey, it’s just the two of us, you don’t need to feel embarrassed.” I put my thumb and forefinger under his chin and made him look up. Our eyes met and I couldn’t help but put a strand of his hair behind his ear. He blushed even harder at my gesture and I pulled back so he could finish what he wanted to ask.

“Well, your explanation was that it means a person has no sexual attraction towards other people and I can imagine myself falling under that category, but I still get aroused sometimes and I can’t say I’ve never jerked off before, so that part makes me confused. And your body made me confused as well, because I find it attractive too.” He smiled at the last part, red as a tomato already.

“You can still do those things and be asexual. That term doesn’t mean you’re not functional or something’s wrong with you. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re blind. You find my body attractive and nice, but not in the way where you would join me in that shower and fuck me against the wall.”

“I definitely wouldn’t do that. Just the thought makes me uncomfortable.” He shivered and leaned back in his chair.

“There you have your answer.”

Silence creeped between us again when suddenly I heard my phone ringing in the living room. Liz was most likely working, who could it be?

“Hello?”

“Adam! Thank God! We need to talk.” 

“Paul?” 

“Yeah, I still have your number. I heard you ran away. Are you okay?” There was worry in his voice and I knew something was going on.

“Paul, what’s wrong?”

“I’ll tell you in person. We can’t talk about this through phone. Text me the address and I’ll be there around one.”

He hung up and left me more confused than ever. I was still processing his words until Theo came into the room.

“Everything okay?”

“It was Paul, he said he needs to talk to me about something.” My voice was slightly trembling, but at least I had Theo right there by my side.

“I start work at twelve, we can meet there.”

“I’ll give him the address.”

“Don’t worry, maybe he just needs to talk about something private.” He patted me on the shoulder and went back to the kitchen, probably to clean up the mess.

Maybe he was right. I was just panicking and being selfish, not everything is about me.

•

“Adam, stop it. Just sit down and drink the water.”

“What if it’s something serious? I can’t calm down, Theo!” I shouted while still pacing around the small coffee shop.

“Sit the fuck down!” He yelled back and his raised voice actually startled me. I obeyed like a small puppy, thinking its owner was going to disown him after tearing the couch apart.

“I’m going to serve those customers and I need you to stay calm, okay?”

I nodded and he got up to go behind the counter. He automatically put a smile on his face like nothing was wrong, but I couldn’t do that. I knew something was not right, I could feel it. 

The clock showed it was just a few minutes past one when the door to the café opened and I saw the guy that saved my life hardly a year ago. 

“Paul!” I jumped up and gave him a hug. Well, I almost squeezed the soul out of him, but hey, friendship, right?

“Ugh, I can’t breathe.” He gasped and only then I let him go.

“What happened? Are you okay? Has something happened to your girlfriend?”

“Adam, let the poor guy be. He just came.” 

“And who’s this handsome fella?”

“That’s Theo, he kind of saved my ass too.”

“I’m Paul, it’s nice to meet you.” He shook Theo’s hand.

“Theo. Adam told me what happened, so I’m already familiar with the situation. I’m glad he has a friend like you.” He smiled at Paul and some of the stress fell off my heart, but I was still nervous.

“Can I offer you something? Coffee? Water?”

“Black coffee would be great.”

Theo disappeared behind the counter again and it was just Paul and me.

“Adam, I don’t want to worry you too much, but we’re all in danger. Everyone close to you is in danger.”

“Seems like the word is already connected to my whole life.”

“I’m serious, you need to be careful.”

Theo put Paul’s coffee in front of him on the table and joined us. He grabbed my hand under the table and I squeezed it with tears filling my eyes. We were like those couples in movies when the doctors said their child was dying, but this time it was ourselves whose lives were in danger.

“The fact that you told Theo about Philip is good, because…” He took a deep breath and I closed my eyes, as if it would block out the bad stuff.

“He got out of jail. I don’t know how it happened, maybe he asked someone to get him out, but I saw him come to the café a few days ago. I was in the back, so he didn’t notice me, but I assume he was looking for you.”

My head spinned like when you’re drunk and try to lay down. This couldn’t be happening. 

“That’s impossible.”

“I’m sorry.”

I pulled my hand away from Theo’s and hid my face in my palms. I didn’t even try to hold in the tears anymore. I knew something bad was going to happen. One bad person and my whole life was ruined.

Theo took me into his arms and stroked my hair. I was fucking lost. Once I thought this was finally over and wanted to start again this bastard was back.

“Adam, I just want you to know that we’re staying with you. You’re not in this alone.”

Paul put his on my shoulder to show his support. I was still hiding in Theo’s neck, stuck close to his body. The only place where time didn’t exist and I could push the weight of the world to the very back of my mind. The only place where I was safe and protected for at least a few minutes, for as much as I needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d love to say that I’m finally back for real and I will be updating this story regularly, but I honestly don’t know if it’s true. My life is a mess and my mental health is against me, so I can’t promise anything. I left home for some time, which was a good decision, but I don’t know how long this is going to last and what’s going to happen and all of this affects my writing and is important to me.  
> Now that I poured my heart out to you, we can go back to the story. I feel like this pattern/plot is sort of stuck with me and it may remind you of Silk, but I want to make it different (obviously). I hope you enjoyed this new comeback chapter and the story is still interesting. I want to thank everyone who’s supporting me. The comments and kudos really mean so so much to me and even if I’m not doing well it makes me feel better when I see that you guys like what comes out of my head. Thank you <3
> 
> P.S. Special thanks goes to my cousin’s boyfriend for supporting me and listening to me when no one else did. You’re awesome dude <3


	8. Don’t think twice, give yourself to another night

The cigarette was slowly disappearing between my fingers, causing me to feel worse again. I haven’t smoked in a long time, mostly because I knew how bad it was for me, but also because I didn’t feel the need to do such thing. My life was heading in a better direction and there was no reason to harm myself in any way. But things were different now. I still had a few cigarettes from one of my old friends I left back in my hometown. He was a heavy smoker and I couldn’t resist but ask for a little drag one day. After some time I asked again and again and after frequently taking a few drags every now and then, he gave me a whole cigarette and I was surprised when I smoked the whole thing by myself. During the summer of that year he was going away for holiday with his family and he gave me half empty pack of cigarettes just in case I wanted, or, well, needed to smoke and since I didn’t feel the urge to smoke often I still had three cigarettes left and after tonight I, most likely, won’t have any. 

“Adam, stop it already!” Theo whispered angrily, “You’ve been sitting here for an hour just smoking your lungs away. I’m not your mother, but I can’t watch you do this to yourself!”

“Leave me alone.”

“No.”

“Theo, for fuck’s sake, leave me the fuck alone!” I snapped at him. Right at that moment I felt regret rise up in me, but I couldn’t take it back.

“And you get a fucking grip of yourself! I may be younger and new to all of this, but I’m not your punching bag,” he snapped back, but unlike myself he had every right to do it, “You already won this fight once, don’t tell me you can’t do it again. I mean, come on, dude, you have Paul, you have me and we’re here for you, ready to fight by your side. If things get out of control, we’ll go to the police immediately.”

“That’s exactly the point! I already went through this, I don’t want to go through it again!”

“You can try your best to avoid it, but we both know you can’t escape it. Either you deal with it or you’ll suffer, there’s no other option!” He came to where I sat by the window and took the cigarette from me, “And quit this shit, it won’t help you.”

He threw it out of the window and angrily walked back to the bedroom, piercing me with his look. I was behaving like an idiot, I knew that, but the pressure pushing down on me was becoming unbearable and I didn’t know how to let it out. I felt like throwing stuff around, breaking things, punching the walls, but I had to control myself. Theo was right, I needed to get a grip of myself and deal with this.

I sighed and got up. I tossed the pack with two leftover cigarettes on the table and went after Theo to the bedroom. I closed the door behind myself and carefully lay down. He was turned away from me and it was breaking my heart. I really fucked up, I knew I did.

“I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” He turned on his back and finally made eye contact, “But next time think twice before you say something like that. Words can cut deeper than knives, remember that.”

“I will.”

He sent me a small smile and hesitated for a while, before he leaned up and pressed a small kiss to my lips. 

“You know, I’m tired of this.”

“What specifically?”

“Of hiding. From Philip, my parents, the world...I just want to live my life, love whoever I want and not hide in the shadows.”

“I know, Adam, but you know it’s not that easy. At least not at this moment.”

“Who says that?” 

Theo glanced at me questioningly and I chuckled at his confused expression.

“Liz told me about this one club in the city where there’s a rather open community or something along those lines. Basically, you can come in with a huge rainbow flag, make-up and heels and nobody will judge you or beat you up. I was there only once, but it was a pleasurable experience.” I laughed at the memory.

“Pleasurable in what way?” He furrowed his eyebrows and I gave him the ‘you know what I mean’ look, “Oh you dirty man. I regret I even asked you about it.” He turned his head away from me in disgust and I burst out laughing.

“You asked, I just gave you the answer.”

“So, there’s a club, I get it, but why are you mentioning it?”

“Well, it’s not so late and we’re both bored and the club is nice…” 

“Are you...oh my God you are serious.”

“It’ll be fun. Please, Theo,” I begged him while making puppy dog eyes.

“Okay, okay, just this once.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I threw myself at him and gave squeezed him as hard as I could.

“I can’t breathe.”

“Right, yes, sorry.” I chuckled and let him go.

“Let’s get dressed, I can’t wait to take you there.”

Theo was kind enough to let me borrow one colourful shirt that caught my attention in his closet and I went to the living room to give him some privacy. When he came out, he was dressed rather casually in a basic t-shirt and a bit fancier pants.

“You know you can let your wild side come out in this case, right?”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“Okay, I can’t keep this in anymore, I have to ask you, can I braid your hair?”

“You what?”

“I really want to braid your hair.”

“But why?”

“I just want to, Theo. Please?” 

He seemed to be thinking about it, still not understanding the point.

“Fine, do whatever you want.”

“Awesome. Do you have some hair bands?”

“In the bathroom.”

I ran to the said room, not bothering to hide the excitement inside me. After I found everything I needed, I made my way back to Theo, told him to sit on the couch where I could do it without any problems and we were ready to begin.

About halfway through the first braid I started humming some melody that came into my head. I sometimes did this automatically, not even realising I was doing it, but it helped me to focus more.

“Father, help me, do you understand? All my life, I've been a wicked man. Show me mercy and comfort me. I need to find redemption,” Theo started singing out of nowhere. I stopped what I was doing and listened to him. 

“You never told me you could sing.”

“Sometimes I like to write lyrics that come to my mind, I just never found anyone that made music and was interested in it, so it’s more like a hobby.”

“I like those lyrics, they match the melody perfectly.” I tied the first braid with one of the two hair bands and started making another one.

“I can take a day off tomorrow and we can have it for ourselves and do whatever we want. What do you think?” There was happiness in his voice and it lit up my own darkness. 

“I think it’s a great idea.”

We spent the rest of the time in silence, but I knew we were both thinking about the same thing. About music and what we could do with it. We held such a power right now and we didn’t even know it at that moment. 

The beautiful thing about art is that you play by your own rules and you create your world, your universe and it’s untouchable. And maybe one day someone will find a way into it and you’re stuck together in your own happy place, where nothing can hurt you.

“Done.” I smiled proudly and followed Theo to the bathroom.

“I must admit, this is very cool,” he said while tracing the tips of his fingers over the braided parts of his hair.

“I’m glad you like it.” I planted a small kiss on his cheek and hugged him from behind.

“Where did you learn how to do this?”

“Youtube mostly. I was always fascinated how girls could do so much with their hair. I had this one classmate who had different hairstyles every day. Some were easy, some were more complicated or more time consuming and some I didn’t understand how she managed to do, because, honestly, they looked impossible to me. So, I looked up a few videos where girls showed how to do certain braids and hairstyles and I never tried them on anyone, but Liz allowed me to try it and it didn’t go very well, but I got better as you can see.” He giggled and wriggled in my embrace.

“I never thought about doing it. I just combed my hair and that was it.”

“And now you have me.”

“And now I have you.” He smiled at me in the mirror and I smiled back.

“Let’s go, darling.”

•

We went down the stairs leading to the club and with each step the lights got dimmer. I was holding Theo by his hand, as he looked a bit freaked out. The music was getting louder until we finally reached the end of the stairs and entered the club. 

I finally felt freedom, I didn’t have to hide anymore and I could be myself without any judgement.

“Do you want a drink?” I shouted so Theo could hear me.

“I think I really need one.”

“Me too, mate.” I chuckled and pulled him to the bar on the side where we were further away from the speakers and so the music wasn’t as loud. 

“Two Mojitos, please,” I told the bartender who nodded his head and got to work on our drinks.

“Mojitos?”

“You can’t fuck up with a Mojito. Wait till I introduce you to the Moscow Mule.”

“There you go, gents.”

“Thank you.” I handed one of the glasses to Theo and we both sipped on them through the straws. 

“This is the best Mojito I’ve ever had.” Theo moaned when he tasted the drink.

“Definitely.”

“Is that a rainbow flag?” Theo asked and pointed at the flag hung above the door we came through earlier.

“I told you this is a place for everyone. You won’t be judged for anything.”

Theo was silently thinking about something. I didn’t want to interrupt his train of thoughts, so I just quietly sipped on my drink and let him organise his thoughts in peace.

I dived into my own head too, thinking about the events from today. I was being followed again, just when I thought it was finally over. My heart was breaking when I thought about it, but I knew the guy beside me won’t let me fall apart so easily. I could hide pieces of me all over the world and he would go find them and give them back to me. Hell, he would even help me sew them back.

“Do you want to go on the dance floor?” I asked, forcing my thoughts to stop from flying further into the dark corners. 

“I’m not sure, I’m not such a great dancer.”

“Dude, you move your hips better than Shakira, don’t tell me you can’t dance.”

“I’m definitely not better than Shakira.”

“In my eyes you are.” 

I set both almost empty glasses on the bar counter behind us and grabbed his hand. Through all the groans and sighs I led him to the dance floor. I avoided the centre, where the most people were, and went more to the side. 

It didn’t take long for Theo to relax and just let the music fly through him. He swayed his hips from side to side, moved his hands across his body, closed his eyes before he opened them again, only to give me the most seducing look in the world. 

I stepped closer to him, grabbing his hips and leaning my forehead against his. This was what I was craving so bad. Fucking freedom.

No Roots by Alice Merton started playing and I didn’t hold back anymore.

“Fuck yes,” I shouted and pulled Theo even closer. We were both mouthing the lyrics, but later on I found myself loudly singing along and Theo joined me as well. 

“I’ve got no roots, but my home was never on the ground.” Theo’s lovely voice seemed to be the only present melody and I pushed all the other elements into the very back of my mind.

“I’ve got no roots!” The whole club shouted this one line and it was so powerful the walls almost came down. The energy was unbelievable and our souls were dancing together and swimming in the neverending ecstasy.

I put my hands around his neck and continued to sing the last lines of the song. Our noses bumped into each other and each second our lips got closer until they were brushing against each other with every spoken word. I made the last step and pressed mine against Theo’s.

_ I’ve got no roots. No! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was such a pleasure to write and I’m so happy about how it turned out. This was supposed to be done during the Pride month, but, as you know, stuff got into my way and it’s not yet over, but it’s getting better. I have many plans for this story and I can’t wait until I make them reality. Thank you for reading and supporting me <3


	9. They’ll never take her alive if they take her home

The streets were almost empty at this time of the night, creating a calm atmosphere all around us. The street lamps didn’t provide too much light, but it was enough to see at least a few steps ahead. It reminded me of the late night walks I used to take when I was still stuck at home and sick of everything around me. It gave me space to think about variety of things without any influences. It allowed me to dive deeper into my own thoughts and discover myself more as a person. I missed it sometimes, but I was glad I wasn’t at that point in my life anymore.

Theo has been silent since we stepped out of the club and I was wondering what was going on in his mind. I didn’t want him to go too deep into his own head, because while it could be a good thing it also caused a lot of harm most of the time.

“So, did you enjoy tonight?” I asked to start a conversation between us.

“That was one of the best experiences of my life, not gonna lie,” he responded with almost zero emotions in his voice.

“Yeah, the happiness is actually radiating from you.” I couldn’t hold back the sarcastic comment. “What’s going on, Theo? You were jumping around the place with a smile on your face just minutes ago.”

“I can’t accept the fact that yo- _we_ have to hide like this. Yeah, we can go to a club together or anywhere else, but if we did the stuff we did back there people would only give us disgusted faces and call us names. It’s just so unfair,” he said in one go and ran a hand through his hair. He was frustrated, I could feel it.

“I know, it sucks, but we will get there once. I’m sure we will. Just look at where we are now and where we were like twenty years ago. We made a huge step forward and while we still don’t have everything we want, we have something.”

“But why do we have to fight for basic human rights just because we love someone else than society expects us to?”

“Because society makes no sense. This whole stigma around sexualities makes no sense, but, unfortunately, it’s reality and we have to fight for our rights.”

Theo groaned and his pace got faster. For someone who was just recently exposed to this community he was angrier at the government than people who have been in the community for a longer time.

After a few minutes we finally reached Theo’s flat. The building was still warm on the inside from the sun and only then I realised how cold it actually was outside. My whole body was like ice, but the heated air was slowly warming me up.

“Did you grow up here or somewhere else?” I asked to interrupt the silence on our trip by the elevator.

“I didn’t have any reason to run away from home, so, yes, my roots are here.”

The elevator eventually stopped and we moved to the flat.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m still not tired,” Theo informed me and threw the keys on the kitchen table.

“Me neither, but I’m not in the mood for a cake tonight.”

“Thank God, because I’m too lazy for that now. But what about a mug cake though?” 

“I swear you always come up with something. I’m in, whatever it is.” I waved my hand lazily.

“It is exactly what the title suggests.” 

A smile decorated his already beautiful face and the excitement radiating from him made the otherwise boring room look special. He placed two mugs on the counter and started picking out various things from the cupboards.

“How did you start writing lyrics? I mean, I’m sure you didn’t just wake up one day and decided to write them, right?” I asked him another personal question. I was just desperate to know more about him, since he knew many things about me already.

“I wish it was like that though. I hate that I was practically pushed into it, as I didn’t see any other way to get rid of my thoughts, but it changed and it’s a pleasure these days.” He sighed and continued making the so called mug cakes for both of us.

I didn’t want to force him into this, therefore I stayed quiet, waiting for him to decide whether he wanted to tell me more or not. It became sort of an unwritten rule between us that we both acknowledged somewhere deep down no matter what circumstances we were under-none of us would force the other into talking, he would start on his own eventually.

“I’ve had this very good friend, I could even say my best friend, and we always went to my house after school each day to study or just play games or anything else. She was awesome and without her my life would probably be just a plain canvas.” He stopped and took a deep breath, as if deciding if he was doing the right thing. “I don’t want to go too deep into details, because they’re not so important. The main point of this story is that she had a hard time at home. I didn’t know at first, but later she opened up about everything. It was one rather bad day, she forgot about a test, got a bad grade from another and we walked home in silence, but when I closed the door behind us, she broke down right then and there and cried for several minutes in my arms.” He put one mug into the microwave and leaned against the fridge next to it, looking at the floor. 

At this point I was wide awake, like a curious little child, waiting for its parent to finish the fairytale before going to sleep.

“She told me about how toxic it was at home and that’s why she spent so much time with me. And when I say ‘so much time’ I mean literally hours. She always left late in the evening and I didn’t think too much about it, after all, she was my best friend and I enjoyed spending time with her, but from then I was looking at things differently. When we were together it was no longer to spend time with each other, it was running away from her own home. She assured me that she wanted to be with me and I wasn’t only her excuse, but deep down I knew it was only half of the truth.”

“How long did this last?” 

“Very long, almost until the end of high school. There were better days, days when she cried until she got headaches and high on strong painkillers fell asleep on my couch...it was a rollercoaster, but I tried my best to help her as much as I could.” He placed the mugs on the table, one in front of me, along with two teaspoons.

“But you said it lasted almost until the end of highschool, what happened?”

Theo stayed silent again. At first I wondered if I crossed a line and wanted to apologise, but then he said something that made the time stop.

“She killed them.” His voice was shaking and got higher in pitch. “I got a call from her to come to her house immediately. I thought her parents were arguing and wouldn’t let her go anywhere, so she needed help…but the sight I got was just a crime scene. She was covered in blood, bodies of her parents were laying on the floor in pools of blood and it was terrifying.”

The mug cakes were long forgotten, Theo was wiping away the few tears escaping his eyes and I was looking at him in disbelief. If I thought my life was a very bad attempt of creating a teenage movie, I was horribly wrong.

“You’re kidding right?”

“I wish. It all really happened, unfortunately. At that moment I didn’t know what to do. I was shocked, so I ran away. Maybe I should’ve stayed and calm her down or help her in some way, but my brain stopped working. I ran home, thankfully my parents weren’t there so I avoided all questions about where I was, but it really messed me up for some time. That’s when I got into writing lyrics. Music was a great escape from my thoughts, but when I couldn’t ignore them anymore I wrote about them. I wrote about death, murder, dark stuff…”

“Do you know what happened to her?”

“I never talked to her again after that, but I heard she called the cops to the house and ran away. Wherever she is now, I hope she’s doing well and is happy. I know murder is a crime and she deserves to go to prison, but from what she told me, the things they’ve done to her were even worse. She was amazing, very smart and a great company, but they broke her.”

The clock ticking was the only sound left in the room, reminding me of the current time, but also about how much time I had left before Philip caught up with me. It was selfish and stupid to think of something like this right now, I knew that, but my head kept coming back to it.

“Do you still have those lyrics?” I asked to get my mind to the present moment again.

“I burnt them when I left home after high school. I couldn’t look at them anymore, they just reminded me of what happened and how it affected me. Actually, I think I kept something from that period of my life.” He stood up and swiftly walked into the living room. I heard drawers being opened and closed, along with some muttering in between.

“There it is!” 

He came back and handed me the crumpled piece of paper.

_“Tell me why you were out so late alone_

_The diamond sparkle in your face I hold you_

_The gravel listens black and red below_

_Hollow, you drift into the night.”_ The paper read and I once again admired what a great writer Theo was.

“You really take my breath away, Theo. In more ways than one.”

He smiled and blushed, avoiding eye contact. I set the paper down and went through the text once again.

“I realise you wrote it when you were deep down in the dark hole where no one wants to ever be in life, but this is amazing.”

“Thank you, I don’t like coming back to these, but looks like all bad is good for something.”

“One thing I really regret now is that I left my piano at home. I don’t know how I would take it with me, but if I knew this was going to happen I would bring it with me no matter what it would take.”

We laughed at my comment and finally started eating the mug cakes. For something that was made in a microwave it was rather tasty, I had to admit, but the taste will always remind me of this day when I got to know something about Theo’s darker past.

•

The person in the mirror wasn’t the old broken Adam, this was a whole new me. Hopeful, braver, happier...all the adjectives coming up in my head were positive and I was ready to fight against anything that came in my way. I had the soldiers, Theo and Paul, by my side, faithful to my kingdom and I knew I couldn’t disappoint them. I was the king, the leader of this fight and they had faith in me. Faith, such a nice word.

As I was passing the living room I heard a sound of an incoming notification and my phone lit up on the small coffee table. I thought it was just Liz making sure I was okay, but the screen showed an unknown number and ‘photo’ in the message.

“Who the heck is this?”

Curiosity won over me and I opened the message. The photo showed me and Theo in that club, drinking the two Mojitos. 

Suddenly another message came.

_You should’ve run further_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we finally know something more about Theo. The interesting part of the story is starting now and I’m so excited for it. I also want to mention that this story passed 100 hits and it’s almost unbelievable for me. I remember when my first story, Silk, got 2 hits and I was jumping around from happiness, then it went all the way to about 30 and I couldn’t believe it. And now it’s more than 100! All these little things, whether it’s kudos, hits or nice comments, make me feel like what I’m doing is right and it’s not just some meaningless writing. Thank you to everyone for your support, you guys are awesome <3


	10. We never thought that the cracks would begin to show

“Theo! Be careful!” I scolded him when he almost tripped over and fell, because he insisted on taking all the boxes instead of one at a time.

“Everything’s under control, don’t worry.”

I sighed and shook my head. After many conversation and almost two weeks of living mostly in Theo’s flat, we decided it would be better if I moved in already. I wanted to take things slowly and don’t rush this relationship and Theo, on the other hand, wanted to have me closer to himself. It surprised me, as I knew he had troubles with opening up and letting people into his life, but I didn’t think about it too much. He was an adult, if he felt comfortable enough to make this decision then I was fine with it.

“Is that everything?”

I nodded my head and closed the door behind us. Eventually, we both met in the living room and stared at the boxes on the floor. 

“Do these things like...unpack themselves or?” 

“I think they do, but I guess we have to feed them first.”

We stayed quiet and then burst out laughing. We were like two teenagers in love. Oh man, did I just say that?

My train of thoughts was interrupted by Theo’s phone ringing on the coffee table. All I could see was just an unknown number. My heartbeat immediately picked up, recalling the event from a few weeks ago.

“Are you sure about picking it up?”

“Why shouldn’t I be?”

“Well, maybe it’s just someone trying to get money from you.”

“You really make no sense sometimes, Adam.” He picked up the device, his thumb above the green button.

“Wait, Th-“

“Hello?” 

Too late.

“Theo, what a pleasure to finally hear you.” A deep voice answered from the other side.

“Who are you?”

“Oh, so, Adam hasn’t told you about me yet? You two should really have that conversation, but save that for later.”

“What are you talking about?” He frowned and glanced at me. If looks could kill, I would be dead on the spot.

“I’ll send you an address and you’ll meet me there tomorrow at exactly nine p.m.”

“Why should we listen to you? You may just be fucking with us.” My eyes widened at Theo’s sudden change of language. I knew he was really pissed off at this point.

“I don’t know, ask Paul.”

There was some shuffling and muffled sounds heard from the other side and then a broken, scared voice: “Adam! You have to run away! You have to-mmph.” He didn’t finish the sentence, for he got silenced again.

“You heard him. Nine p.m., tomorrow. See you, lads.”

The call ended and left us us both speechless. Do you know that feeling when everything seems to be getting better, but you’re still on edge, because you feel it’s going to break soon? 

“I thought we weren’t keeping secrets from each other.”

It broke.

“I wanted to keep you out of this.”

“Instead you pulled me in even deeper! I guess it didn’t work out as you planned, right?” The tone of his voice got louder and I felt like a kid getting yelled at by its parents for eating too much sweets before dinner. Except, my issue wasn’t just a painful stomach ache.

“I didn’t know he could do so much, okay? I thought he was only after me!”

We yelled at each other for some more before eventually calming down, staring at ourselves and silently exchanging blaming looks.

“Did he call you as well?” Theo said after a minute of silence.

“No, he texted me.”

“What did the message say?”

I handed him my phone to have a look at it himself.

“You can’t be fucking serious, Anderson!”

“Theo, please.”

“He was following us all the time and you thought I wasn’t a part of this? You thought we were both safe? You’re out of your fucking mind, Adam!”

“Stop fucking blaming me for this!”

“But it’s your goddamn fault!”

“Fine, it is, but we won’t get anywhere when we keep on arguing!”

“I hate that you’re right about this.”

“He didn’t send the address yet. If he really followed us then he definitely knows the exact time it takes to get to that place. He doesn’t want us to be there too early or too late, so we have to regularly check our phones for the address.”

“Keeping us on edge so we won’t do anything stupid that can put him in danger. That guy’s a smart psychopath.” Theo pointed out, shaking his head at the absurdity of this situation.

I ran a hand through my hair and turned away from him. I felt tears filling my eyes, burning from trying my best to hold them in. I had no right to cry, I pulled everyone into this.

“Come here.” Theo stepped closer and pulled me to his warm embrace. “You fucked up, but we’ll make this right.”

“I’m sorry,” I choked out.

“Hush.” He pulled me even closer. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Waterfalls of tears poured from my eyes, until I wanted to scratch them out from the agonising pain.

•

“Adam, I have it.” Theo jumped up from the couch and hurried to get his jacket.

“What is this place? I’ve never heard about it.”

“It’s on the other side of the town. It used to be a storage for some company, but they ditched it a few years ago and now it’s empty. If his intentions were to scare us with some creepy dark building, then he picked the right place.” He snatched the phone out of my hands and put it in the pocket of his jacket.

“Your excitement is kind of scaring me, Theo.”

“I’m hiding my fear behind it. Now, let’s go already.”

I didn’t ask any further questions and followed him outside. We didn’t have too much time to waste it on a conversation like this.

We went out into the cold night, willing to do everything it takes for us to get rid of this baggage. We were brave and cold on the outside, but each of us saw the fear in the other’s eyes. 

“Did you get any call or a text since we left?” Theo asked me with shaky voice. As we were getting closer the tension got worse between us and I only assumed this was his way of trying to make it better.

“No,” I answered shortly when I checked my phone. He just nodded his head and the conversation ended there. My assumption was confirmed by that.

The time seemed to pass quick, no matter how bad we wanted it to slow down and let us take a moment to prepare for what was to come. We found ourselves standing in front of the huge entry to the creepy building, hesitating whether or not we should go inside already.

“Now or never.”

I pushed the door open. I don’t know what I was expecting, but an empty and dirty room wasn’t it.

“Maybe he’s on the second floor.”

“Adam, please, be careful.”

At this point Theo’s voice was filled with fear and nothing else. It was almost as if his personality turned upside down on the way here.

I went inside with Theo almost stuck to my back, following my every step.

The first floor seemed to be empty and so we went to go up the stairs, when we heard someone running to us.

“Stay behind me,” I said to Theo and protectively put one hand behind me to his side.

“Adam!” I heard a familiar voice scream. 

“Paul?” I asked confused when he stopped in front of us, completely out of breath and covered in blood and dirt.

“We have to get out of here, it’s not safe.”

“What are you talking about? Philip is waiting for us, he doesn’t want to kill us.”

“Philip is dead, dude!”

“What?”

“He’s dead and now we have to get out of here!”

He tried to push me to the side and leave, but instead I was the one who pushed him away and walked upstairs.

“Adam, get back!” Theo yelled after me.

“You should listen to him! The killer is still here you idiot!”

I ignored their warnings and continued walking towards the only room where I saw the lights on.

“I’m going to kill this man.” Theo huffed and I heard him run up behind me.

“You guys are fucking insane. I’m not staying here!”

The sight was horrible. As much as I hated him, I still didn’t wish for him to end up having a bath in his own blood. He had been stabbed several times, his face covered in drops of blood and he was...scared? I never saw him like this. He seemed to have this aura around him that made him seem like he didn’t fear anything or anyone, but seeing him in this vulnerable state proved me wrong. I hated the fact that I felt sorry for him, I really hated it. Was this some kind of Stockholm syndrome or was I just going crazy already?

“Adam, we can’t stay here.” Theo pulled me by my arm while I was still in trance, looking at the massacred body of Philip.

We ran through the hallway to the staircase, hand in hand. I was still in denial of the whole situation. This couldn’t be real. A few minutes ago all my worries were just Philip and now he was gone, replaced by some murderer.

“Paul! I thought you ran away.” We stopped and Theo looked at Paul in surprise.

“I wanted to, but I decided to wait for you two maniacs to come back.” He laughed.

“Adam? What’s wrong?” Theo gently placed his hand on my shoulder and gave me his signature puppy eyes that always made me melt inside.

“We can’t just leave him there like that.” My voice broke somewhere in the middle of the sentence and tears were, again, filling my eyes.

“What? Dude, that guy ruined your life! What is wrong with you?” Paul yelled.

“I just don’t think it’s right to just leave him there like that!”

“He finally paid for what he put you through! Jesus, get yourself together!”

“Both of you, shut up!” Theo raised his voice to silence us. “Someone just ran out of the building while you were busy.”

“Should we follow them?” Paul’s tone was still angry, but at least a bit more quiet.

“I think we all should just go home now.”

“Yeah, I definitely need a bottle of something strong.”

After the long evening we were finally standing in front of our flat, tired and terrified.

“Hey, Paul! I need to ask, has Philip mentioned what he wanted to do with us?”

“I don’t recall anything. He was mostly just trying to scare me, that’s all.”

“All right, have a good night. And maybe avoid public transport if you don’t want to end up spending the night at the police station.”

He laughed it off and we both said goodnight to each other.

The rest of the night Theo and I didn’t talk much. I was still processing all the recent events and thinking about how much Philip has actually messed me up. I didn’t realise it until now or maybe I was just hiding it and pushing it down.

I could see Theo was still keeping an eye on me and giving me concerned looks. No wonder, because I was confused by myself as well. 

“Adam-“

“Don’t. I’m too tired for this shit, Theo. I’m as confused as you are.”

He sighed and turned on his side. It was breaking my heart, but I didn’t know what to do. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been so hard for me to write and I struggled so much with it that I actually thought about discontinuing the whole story. But one amazing band once said ‘when you feel like letting go that’s when you hold on’, so here I am, feeling like I won the biggest battle of my life. I’m not very pleased with how this is written, but it’s like a bridge. Might not seem interesting at first, but when you cross it you get to see many interesting stuff around. Well, we’ll see where this bridge leads. Thank you for reading and patience <3
> 
> P.S. I love the new song Somebody. Theo’s vocals in this left me speechless and we finally saw him dancing again, which made me really happy. What do you think about it?


	11. In my bones, in my blood there’s a sickness I’d change if I could

Theo’s POV

The flat was quite as usually when I entered. It has been this way since the events that occurred a few days ago. Adam rarely talked to me and stopped leaving the bed as well. It started right after that night. He kept telling me he wasn’t hungry and I didn’t want to force him to eat like his mother. I checked on him every day before I left for work and always wrote a note saying that if he was hungry there was cooked lunch in the kitchen. It stayed untouched. 

I didn’t know what was wrong with him. I didn’t know what to do. Paul told me he sometimes had these ‘bad days’ and they will go away eventually, but it was breaking my heart. I wanted to help him, I wanted to be there for him. 

At the beginning he used to cuddle to me during the night when he thought I was asleep and a small tear would escape my eye at this, but he stopped with this as well. Days got longer and I felt like I was living alone again. No friends, no relationship, no excitement, just the same old routine, like it used to be before I met Adam. My lovely Adam. There was a day when it all came down on me at once and I broke down. I cried in the shower for what seemed like an eternity, the water covering up all the sounds. I knew I had to get myself together for Adam and that’s exactly what I did after letting out all my emotions. 

_I could give you my devotion_

_Until the end of time_

_And you will never be forgotten_

_With me by your side_

_I don’t need this life_

_I just need_

_Somebody to die for_

_Somebody to cry for_

_When I’m lonely_

I felt like the song was writing itself. It all came out so easily and from the depths of my own heart. 

My first thought was: “I can’t wait to show this to Adam, he’s going to love this,” but then I remembered there was no Adam anymore. All excitement died in me and I felt empty. 

_I’ve got nothing left to live for_

_Got no reason yet to die_

I wrote, playing with the pen, waiting for the next verses to put themselves on the paper, but there was nothing.

I stood up, leaving all of the stuff on the table and went to the bedroom to check on Adam’s helpless body.

And that’s where I was now, just like that day I wrote Somebody To Die For. A whole song dedicated to Adam.

The thick black curtains have been shut for such a long time that I even forgot how the room looks like with daylight coming in. In my opinion, it was even worse for Adam to be in a complete darkness, but I understood that he wanted his own space and peace, so I left it this way. Sometimes I heard footsteps and the sound of opening a window and I smiled to myself, happy that he was still alive and not just a soulless body on my bed.

The food was still there as I expected. At this point I lost my appetite too and I wanted Adam to know how much he was hurting me with his behaviour, but the other side of me held me back from it. He was having a hard time already, I didn’t need to make it even harder for him.

I quietly entered the bedroom, spotting Adam’s body laying on the same spot as it was in the morning. I took my blanket with pillow and went to the living room, closing the door behind me. I decided it would be better to leave him alone for tonight. He was always pulling away from me and turning his back to me, so maybe I should just leave him by himself. 

I made myself comfortable on the couch, well, comfortable as much as I could, and closed my eyes, drifting into my own wonderland where I was the Alice. 

It didn’t work. I kept coming back to memories of the times I spent together with Adam. It was like a movie repeating itself all over again in my head. I saw how we met for the first time, how I tried to get the rainbow flag off of his cheek, how we danced together at the club, how he laughed at my curly hair when I put it out of the braids he made for me, but mostly how boring my life was before he came into it. He entered the boring plain place and said: “Fuck this, it’s too boring for me,” and painted it with every colour known to man. 

I covered my eyes and let tears roll down my face. _Please give me back my Adam._

“Babe?” 

My eyes widened both at the voice and nickname. I’ve never heard him call me that before.

“You didn’t come to bed tonight.”

“Oh my God.” My broken voice spoke and I jumped up from the couch. I cried into his shoulder until I started choking on my own saliva. My eyes hurt, my nose was full and I almost stopped breathing at all.

“I’m so sorry, God I’m so fucking sorry for doing this to you.” He pulled me even closer to his weak body and I could hear a few sobs escape him as well. “I’m here now, everything’s going to be okay, I’m here with you,” he whispered, trying to calm me down.

“I mi-missed y-you-you so b-bad.”

“I missed you too darling.” 

He led us to the couch, lay down with me still in his embrace and covered us with the blanket I brought. I was laying on top of him, inhaling his scent like it was some kind of a drug, ignoring the fact that he hasn’t showered for a long time, because it was my Adam and I loved him no matter what. Wait. I loved him. I was actually in love with him. I was in love!

“Better, love?” Oh fuck.

“You’re making me blush.” I chuckled and wiped my wet burning face.

“I’d rather do that than make you cry.” He rubbed my back and gave me a kiss on my forehead. I was a teenager in love again. 

I kept clutching onto his body for dear life, not letting him go. We were like two koalas holding onto each other. At that exact moment I decided that my favourite place was right here with Adam close to me.

“I’m sorry for putting you through this, my head was such a mess and I didn’t want to bring you down with me.”

“Adam, we’ve talked about this ‘bringing down’ thing already. Look at me, do I look like I’ve been above the water lately?” I lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes, holding back tears. “I told you we can always talk about anything together.”

“I know Theo, but it’s not as easy as you might think it is. I know I made you suffer and I’ll do my best to change this in the future, but I have no idea what’s wrong with me. How can I talk about something I, myself, don’t fully understand?”

I took a few minutes to think about his words and what I was going to say next. The emotions in me were like a huge tornado and I needed to think with my brain right now. I didn’t want to blurt out something I would regret later.

“We’ll figure this out together, I promise,” I said after a while. Maybe it was stupid, considering all the stuff I came up with during those few minutes, but it seemed like the best option to choose.

“I hope so.” 

His hands continued to ruffle through my hair and the gesture was making me slowly fall asleep. I felt so safe in his arms, I felt the peace, the happiness that left me and came back with his presence. 

•

“Don’t you have work today?” Adam’s sleepy voice spoke when he saw I finally woke up. It was strange to be up later than him, but he has been sleeping for days. I doubt he even slept during the night.

“It’s Saturday, I’m not working during the weekends.” I buried my face into his chest and inhaled the scent that was just Adam.

“Damn, I really lost track of time.”

I nodded and got ready to drift away again, but Adam seemed more energetic than usual today.

“Will you let me go?”

“Nope.” I squeezed him even harder.

“I wanna make breakfast.” He tried to get out of my grip, but I didn’t want to let him to.

“Stay here with me.”

“Sweetheart, I’d love to, but I’m hungry and I bet you are as well.” The nickname made me blush again and hide my face in his chest. “I’ll be right back, you just rest.”

I wanted him to stay there with me, but I knew he was right. He barely ate the past few days, so it was understandable he was hungry and I was happy that his appetite was coming back, but I could also feel the whales waking up in my own stomach. 

I was still feeling tired and weak and it didn’t take too long for me to start falling asleep again. A sweet smell was coming from the kitchen and it was a good sign. As long as there was no smell of burning food I knew I could relax. And that was exactly what I did, I closed my eyes and let myself fall into my own dreamland.

Time doesn’t really exist in dreams and a whole night might seem like a few minutes only, so when I was woken up by Adam I felt as if I switched planets, or even galaxies. Everything seemed very unreal to me and I properly woke up when I already finished the delicious breakfast he made for both of us. 

“I think I need a very strong black coffee.” I rubbed my eyes, still coming to terms with reality.

“Ew, black coffee.” Adam made a disgusted face at the thought of his coffee without milk. I, on the other hand, didn’t understand how he could drink his coffee with milk and sugar. It wasn’t even coffee anymore!

We decided it would be the best if we had a day for ourselves today. It was weekend and, after all, we went through a very hectic week and needed some rest. We were aware that there were many unanswered questions between us and this whole thing wasn’t over yet, but we had to slow down a bit. Just for one day.

“Are you serious?”

“What?”

“Dirty Dancing? Really? I love you, but seriously?”

Boom, that was the moment when my world stopped.

“Did you-did you just say that or am I making this up?” I started tearing up and in a matter of seconds I started crying, covering my mouth in disbelief.

“Oh fuck, are you okay? I-I didn’t mean to say it, it just came out!”

“I love you too.” I choked out and he immediately took me into his arms, swaying from side to side and rubbing my back to calm me down.

“You turned my life upside down, Anderson.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t like it.”

“I fucking love it.” I whispered and buried my face into the crook of his neck. 

Our little moment was ruined by a knock on the door. I pulled away from Adam and gave him a questioning look.

“Are you expecting someone?”

He shook his head as an answer. Maybe it was just Paul with some news. I didn’t want to keep the other person waiting, so I went to open the door. To my surprise a girl was standing there, somehow familiar, but I didn’t recognise her.

“May I help you?”

“I’m here to help _you.”_ She said and her dark eyes didn’t lose contact with mine. _What?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I had more time for writing. I have so many ideas, but almost no time for writing and I hate that. This chapter basically wrote itself and it was finished in about an hour or maybe even less, but the last part got me stuck. I didn’t know how to approach another character coming into the story and where should I cut it and then I just somehow wrote the scene. Sorry to keep you waiting, this was supposed to be out days ago. Thank you all for still reading this story <3


	12. Is this the end of a love that has just begun?

“Why should I trust you?” I asked, gripping the door harder in case she would try something.

“We know each other, don’t you remember?”

“I think you got the wrong person, I’m sorry.” I shut the door, but her hand stopped it. She was stronger than I thought.

“Scarlett,” she said and after a moment of confusion I realised who the name reminded me of. I took a better look at her. Her dark skin, braided hair, deep brown eyes...I would believe it was her, but it didn’t make sense.

“What? No way.”

“Good to see you again, Theo.” 

“Look, you got me, good job, you can leave now.” I tried to close the door once again, but she stopped me. Again.

“I’m not kidding, Theo. Believe what you want, but people are in danger along with you and Adam.”

“We’ve had enough of this, we’re done. Go away, please.”

“It’s not over, I need your help.”

“Theo? Is everything okay?” Adam shouted from the living room. I wanted to finally shut the door, but Adam suddenly appeared next to me, asking all the questions in the world.

“Boys, I need your help, it’s more serious than you think. It’s about people’s lives.”

“Theo, I think she’s telling the truth.”

“Adam-”

“Come in, we’ll have a little chat about this.”

He invited her into our kitchen and made some tea for her. My mind was somewhere in between trusting her and thinking she’s like Philip, but the longer she was here the more I believed she was really the Scarlett who used to be my best friend.

“Where did you go?” I interrupted their conversation, to which I wasn’t even paying attention to.

“Not too far away. I stayed in the city and met Andrew. He took me in, since I had no place to stay and I’ve been there ever since.”

“Who is Andrew?”

“That’s what I’m trying to explain to you. Philip was a part of some group or organisation or whatever they actually are, who focus on the LGBT+ community and when I say focuses I mean follow them, befriend them, kidnap them and do God knows what with them. Adam got lucky, he escaped him before anything worse happened. Andrew is a leader of a group of other people, including me, who are going after them.”

“That’s fucked up. But isn’t the police after them?” I asked, my mind still full of questions and confusion.

“That’s what we didn’t understand at first. Police never got involved with this case, so we started digging and one of our tech guys got into their system and noticed that every month there are hundreds of pounds coming to the police fund and you’ll never guess from who.”

“From Philip’s people,” Adam pointed out the obvious.

“Exactly, they’re paying the whole country to leave them alone.”

“Fuck,” Adam cursed and looked at Scarlett in disbelief. At this point, I probably had the same face expression as him.

“So, how did you find us?” I was still testing her, just to be sure.

“Andrew told me about Paul, I went there to rescue him, but things got a little bit out of hand and I killed Philip in the process. Then I noticed you two come in there and I recognised Adam and then you as well. I was after Adam last year already, but then he disappeared and I couldn’t get in touch with him again.” She sent Adam a look filled with sympathy and I couldn’t help but get a little jealous.

“I still can’t believe it’s you. I mean, it’s been so long and I thought you were dead or in prison or something.”

“Andrew helped me, I was hiding for a long time until they dropped the case and focused on other stuff. You don’t have to believe me, but I still need your help. Adam is the only person I got in contact with who survived this madness, we need to stop this together.” 

All of a sudden we heard a loud sound and looking in the direction of it I noticed Adam’s numb body fall on the ground.

“Adam!” I shouted and kneeled next to him. 

“Sh-she-she kil-killed him,” he whispered.

“Hey, it’s fine, just breathe.”

“M-my boy-boy-boyfriend.” He was shaking and almost choked on his saliva when trying to say those two words that broke my heart.

“Adam, I’m here with you, I’m your boyfriend, don’t you remember?”

“I-I wan-wa-want Philip.”

“Theo, I think we should take him to the hospital.” Scarlett put her hand on my shoulder as I teared up with Adam still shaking in my arms.

It all felt like a dream. We drove to the hospital in her car, they took Adam with them and asked me various questions about him. They asked for my number and other information and told me they would contact me as soon as Adam would feel better.

“What’s wrong with him? Where will you take him?”

I knew the doctors must get these questions from almost everyone, but I needed to know. He sighed, took of his glasses and looked up at me: “I can’t say for sure what’s happening in his head, it’s indeed something similar to the infamous Stockholm syndrome, but this isn’t quite it. It’s slightly different. But I promise we’ll do everything we can to help him.”

He then walked away and left us both standing there like two Greek statues. Except we weren’t naked. 

I buried my face in my hands and started crying. He was fine one second and the next everything turned upside down. I lost him, I fucking lost him and I couldn’t do anything about it now. They took him away, tore us apart.

“I’m sorry I left you there that day, I didn’t know what to do.” Memories came back to me and even though one part of me was still careful, the other felt more at ease. I don’t even know why I apologised all of a sudden. Maybe I just wanted to make some kind of connection between us. Maybe I wanted to go back to the past.

“It wasn’t your fault, it’s in the past, just let it go. There was nothing you could’ve done.” Okay, forget the part about the past.

“I want to help you. I lost you back then, because I was afraid and you came back, but what if Adam won’t? I can’t lose him forever, he doesn’t have to come back.”

“We’ll get them, I promise.”

The rest of the day was a blurry image. Scarlett drove me back to my flat, told me to take a rest and she would come tomorrow. She also mentioned some of the ‘I’m sorry, I hope he’s going to feel better soon’ crap, like people say on funerals or when you say your family member is currently sick. My mum always said it was polite to say those things, but I thought it was pointless. It never made me feel better nor made the situation easier in any way. My theory was that people only said it to make themselves seem better, which was exactly the opposite of what it was supposed to mean, so, like I said, it was pointless.

It felt like the old days when I would come home from work and just do nothing. Stare into the ceiling, dream of space and let my mind fly through various phrases and metaphors, choosing which ones will make it on the paper. The difference was that my head felt empty. I couldn’t think, I could only focus on reality and it hurt like hell. People talk about being prisoners of their mind all the time. I was a prisoner of reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay with this chapter, I had to figure out some stuff in my own personal life not just in my fictional characters’ lives and it’s just been pretty tough. Not gonna lie I kinda lost motivation for this story (again), so this chapter is short and boring, I know, but I really needed another bridge to move on to the other side, so I hope you’ll forgive me.   
> Also, I would like to say that the thing with the police is in no way connected to what’s happening in America right now. It’s breaking my heart and it’s not my intention to connect these two events. I want this to be a safe space for everyone. No matter what’s your skin colour, religion, sexuality, gender etc. you’re all welcome here. I just felt like mentioning this...  
> Thank you all for reading, I hope I’m not disappointing anyone so far with the direction of the story <3
> 
> P.S. Scarlett was inspired by Michonne from Walking Dead, a little fun fact


	13. People like us

“And this is Matt, he’s one of our best tech guys. His job is to keep an eye on people who seem to magically disappear each day,” Scarlett explained when she was introducing me to the team. Well, more like the few people in the room, but apparently there are more of them across the whole United Kingdom.

“I expected more people, but it seems to work just fine for you.”

“We’re doing our best.”

“Guys, I hate to interrupt, but we got another one.”

Both me and Scarlett ran to Matt’s computer where he already managed to gather plenty of information on another victim. This time, it was Oliver Murray, a seventeen year old student from Scotland, but he lived in London.

“Give me the address, I’m going right now. Theo, you’re coming with me.”

“Yeah um, about that. I have some bad news.” He turned around on his chair and looked at us like a kid when expecting a punishment from its parents.

“The thing is, there’s going to be another Pride today and we need to keep an eye on the people there.”

“What? I thought you have more people here! We can’t lose time!” 

“Theo, have you seen how big the Pride is here? We need everyone.”

“He’s right Theo, we can’t let more people get lost, especially from Pride.” 

“Fine.” I sighed and put on my jacket.

I remembered when Adam told me about Pride and how he would take me to the next one. This was not how I imagined it. It was the exact opposite. I actually wondered how he was doing. Was he okay? Were the doctors nice to him? I made sure to call Liz and explain the situation to her. I didn’t tell her anything about what I was doing with Scarlett. I simply told her I had to go to work and she understood it and agreed to go visit Adam today. After all, she was worried about him as well.

We got out from the little office and stepped out into the streets of London. I could already see a few people with rainbow flags going in the same direction. We followed them to the centre and then hid in one alley. We made sure to still keep an eye on the crowd.

“How did you two actually meet?” Scarlett asked me to pass the time, I assumed.

“It was only a few weeks ago. Adam jumped onto my motorcycle while running away from the police. Before you freak out, he was just, as he said it, fighting for human rights. He told me he saw the police being rude to some people during the Pride before this one and so he stood up for them and when they wanted to take him to the police station, he started running and I was the only person around, so he used me to save his ass.” I chuckled at the memory. It seemed like yesterday.

“He seems like a good guy.”

“Oh he’s awesome. He turned my whole life upside down, but it’s exactly what I needed. I realised that before, I was alive, but now I’m actually living.”

“I’m happy for you, Theo, I really am. My life is already upside down, so I don’t think I need someone else to help me with that.” We both laughed and continued to observe the crowd of people, which was getting bigger each minute.

“Wait, so, this is your first Pride?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Damn, that’s not exactly the best first impression. Hey, look at me.”

I turned to face her and she took out something from her pocket. It was a little rainbow stamp. Why she had it, I never found out, but suddenly there was a little rainbow flag on my right cheek. 

“Perfect. Enjoy your first pride.” She smiled and put it back in her pocket. 

I swear I almost teared up right then and there, because the little flag on my face was more than just that to me. It was a memory, carved into my heart. A reminder of the person who carved this memory in there.

“Look, it’s starting!” Scarlett gently nudged my arm with her elbow.

I looked up and saw the scenery in front of us. Hundreds if not thousands of people with rainbow flags, t-shirts, make-up or other items of clothing started walking in one direction, smiling, singing, jumping, dancing...It was beautiful, magnificent. They all looked so happy and even though I wasn’t directly a part of this, I felt what they felt. I felt safe, accepted and full of joy. It was magical. I understood what it was about, I understood what Adam was talking about that one day and I almost stepped out from our hiding spot and joined the march.

“Hey, do you see that?” 

I woke up from the haze I was in and spotted the police right across us. 

“We should keep an eye on them.” I noted and Scarlett nodded in agreement.

It wasn’t too long before they took a hold of someone and said something I couldn’t hear, for I was too far away. The girl immediately shook out of the embrace and yelled something along the lines of leaving her alone.

“Hey, let her go!” I finally stepped out and confronted them.

“This is none of your business. Go away.”

“You’re being rude, YOU are the one who should go away.” I got even closer to them and meanwhile the girl got back into the crowd. Good for her.

“Watch your tone, faggot!”

“What the fuck did you just say to me?” 

There were two of them, so when I wanted to punch the one calling me the terrible word, the other one stopped me and they grabbed me from both sides. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t escape, but I didn’t surrender. I kept fighting, trying to shake their hands off of me.

“Get your hands off me!” I yelled.

“Shut your damn mouth.” 

They threw me inside of some dark van and closed the door.

“Fucking great.” I took out my phone and quickly sent a text to Scarlett.

_ I’m inside of some black van, are you okay? _

_ I’m fine, I’ll ask Matt to track you. Don’t do another stupid thing, please. _

_ I was just fighting for human rights. _

_ You can do that when you have someone with a motorcycle around. _

I smiled at her last message and leaned against the wall of the van. Adam would be proud of me, that thought kept me going right now.

After a while I felt the van stop and heard the front door open. Then the back door opened and the two men grabbed me again. The building where they were taking me looked like anything but a police station. It looked more like a prison from a horror movie.

Right after we entered, there was a desk with a bunch of papers and a computer. I noticed there was some photo of a man on the screen, with plenty of text around it. We walked down a dark hall, passing many cells on our way. They were all empty, except for the one in the very back.

They put cuffs onto my wrists before throwing me inside. It was dark and cold and I just hoped they wouldn't keep me in for too long.

“Who are you?” a shaky soft voice spoke once those bastards closed the cell and left.

“I’m Theo. You?”

“My name’s Oliver, but I prefer Olivia.” A figure stepped out of the shadow. I took a better look and recognised the person from the photos. 

“You’re the girl that got lost! I was looking for you!”

“Wow, someone was actually looking for me?” She seemed surprised.

“Of course. How long have you been here?”

“I’m not sure, I lost track of time. Couple of hours? Or maybe even days? It feels like an eternity.” She sat down and leaned against the wall. 

“I don’t know how long I’ve been here, but I guess they’re not planning on keeping me here any longer.”

“How do you know that?”

“They haven’t given me any water or food, obviously they want me to die.”

“We need to get out of here.” I took out my phone and searched for some signal. This whole thing was disgusting, horrifying. No one deserves to be treated like this. 

“It’s pointless, there’s no signal and no way to get out.”

“We can’t just give up.”

“Hey, we’re both in cuffs, I’m half dead and you can’t get out without some help from the outside.”

“Do you have a hair clip?” I said after thinking about what she said.

“Yeah, what do you need it for?”

“Just trust me.”

She handed me the hair clip and I tried to unlock the cuffs with it. I’ve never done it before, just wanted to try every option, but somehow I succeeded. I repeated the same process on Olivia’s cuffs and freed her as well.

“Damn, are you a magician?”

“Something like that. Come on we have to-” Before I could finish, there was a loud banging and voices heard from the other side of the building. 

“Theo?” The door burst open and Scarlett ran inside.

“Scarlett! We’re in the last one!” I yelled and stuck out my hand through the bars to wave at her.

“Thank God it’s the right place. I lost track of you.”

“Yeah, there’s no signal here. By the way, this is Olivia.”

“Hi,” she said, her voice still shaky.

“Nice to meet you, we were looking for you.” She smiled at her and unlocked the cell.

“C’mon, we have to be quick.”

We ran out and got into the car waiting outside. 

“Matt?” I was surprised to see him in the driver’s seat.

“Just get in, we have to go.”

We all got inside and drove off. I watched the prison disappear in the rearview mirror. Olivia gave Matt the address to her friend’s house, so our first stop was there. 

“Be careful, okay?” I told her when we arrived at the given address.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Thank you.” Her friend was already impatiently waiting on the threshold. I just hoped she really will be okay.

“Theo, do you want to go home?” Matt asked when I got back into the car.

“Not yet, I got to go somewhere first.”

“Let me guess, the hospital?” Scarlett asked from the backseat.

“Bingo!”

“You’re not hurt, are you?” Matt looked at me with a worried look on his face.

“Not me, but someone else is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back, folks! I really needed this little break, but if you noticed, during this time I published a short story Learn To Live Again and it really helped me to come back to writing. I’m very excited for this story and I can’t wait to show you the rest of it.  
> Faith is finally out! I’m late to the party (as always), but hey at least I came. I love it so so much, it’s amazing! Each song is awesome, but Fractured is the one I feel the most connected to. Which song do you feel a connection to?  
> Another thing is I started a little ‘fan account’ on Instagram, just to have something besides this to stay in touch or have fun and stuff like that, so I would really appreciate if we could create our little universe there. You can find me as somebody.fractured :)  
> That’s all folks, thank you for still reading and supporting me. I hope you liked this chapter, see you soon <3


	14. I see the cracks in the open sky

“Hey,” I said softly when I entered the depressing hospital room.

“Theo!” His eyes lit up when he spotted me and for a moment it made me feel good, but what if it was just another stage he was going through? I was full of doubts. 

“Nice rainbow, I like it,” he pointed out.  _ It’s not just a rainbow, Adam, it’s more than that and you know it, I know you do. _

“Thanks. How are you doing?” 

“Better I guess, they gave me a bunch of medication and I feel like I’m on cloud nine, but at least I’m not completely disoriented,” he joked and kept looking at me with those puppy eyes. My gaze was stuck to the ground and I was leaning against the closed door, not daring to come any closer.

“That’s...that’s great, I’m glad you’re doing well.”

“You’re not though, what happened to you?” 

I sighed and looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold in all the tears. I knew I would start crying if I spoke.

“Just a tough day, you know?”

“Ah, tell me about it, I’ve never had so many therapy sessions in one day. They treat me as if I was out of my mind.” 

_ Well, you are, Adam.  _

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but Adam has a therapy session in ten minutes.” A doctor walked in and gave an apologetic look.

“Can we get a few more minutes?” Adam pleaded.

“I can give you a maximum of three more minutes.”

I thanked him for those three minutes and he left the room with a nod. I could only hope he wasn’t right behind the door, listening to what we were talking about. It looked just like a scene from some movie, where they visit someone in the hospital and they immediately have to leave, because the doctors need to do some tests or whatever. 

“I really like you, Theo.”

“I know you do.” My gaze kept jumping around the room to keep the tears inside. He didn’t realise how much his words hurt me.

“I need to ask, I have some blurry memories and dreams of me and this man that looks like you. There was something between us, right?”

I bit my lip and quietly sobbed. I nodded in agreement and wiped away the tears I was so desperately trying to hold in.

“Adam? You have to come with me.” The doctor appeared in the room again, but this time he took Adam outside with him as well. His face was full of confusion.

Before I left, I recalled what I intended to do when I went out this morning. I took out a photo from the pocket of my leather jacket. It showed Adam giving me a kiss on the cheek in my bed. Maybe it was pointless, but there was a chance it could help him get some of the memories back. If this really was a movie, it would definitely work. I put the photo on his nightstand and left the room.

The horrible hospital smell finally left my lungs and I felt much better, although I definitely looked like a wreck. The streets were filled with tired people coming back from work or people from the Pride here and there. I paid attention to their expressions and all of them seemed to be happy and energetic, so I assumed there weren’t any other bad encounters between them and the police. However, I could only hope it was the truth.

“Excuse me.” Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around. Three teenagers were standing there, with big smiles on their faces.

“You’re the guy that got taken away by the police, right?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“We just wanted to tell you that we really admire your confidence. That girl’s name was Sarah, she was a part of our group, but she went home already. She was very thankful and wanted to apologise that you got taken away because of her.”

“It’s okay, tell her not to worry. I got away easily.”

“Someone actually recorded it and it went viral within a few minutes! You have the whole community on your side!” They exclaimed happily and I felt like a rock star who met his biggest fans on the street. I didn’t know if it was supposed to make me feel good or bad, but I was definitely confused by the whole thing.

“What?”

“Yeah, it’s all over social media and people admire you for doing such a thing. Could we please take a photo with you?” They started taking out their phones and I, being the confused little Bambi as Adam used to call me sometimes, agreed to do it.

“Thank you! Do you have Instagram so I could tag you?” One of them looked up at me and waited for me to say something.

“I...um...I don’t have an Instagram account. But I can make one and look you up, if that’s okay.”

“Sure, that would be great.”

She gave me the name of her account and thanked me once more before leaving with her friends. That was one of the strangest encounters in my life. Me? Famous? What? Almost a month ago I was still a normal guy working in a coffee shop. Ah, I almost forgot I wanted to actually quit. Well, if I’m not fired already. 

I made my way into the coffee shop and saw my coworker there. I assumed she had to come because I didn’t.

“Hey.” I stepped inside, ringing the little bell above the door.

“Look who decided to show up.” She crossed arms on her chest and if looks could kill I would be dead on the spot.

“I’m sorry, but I decided to quit anyway.”

“Yeah, of course you did. You should’ve said that earlier, now I had to work your shift as well.” She turned around and continued to clean the tables.

“Can I at least help you clean this place?”

She sighed and looked me up and down, as if deciding whether or not she should accept my offer.

“Fine, but be quick. I have stuff to do at home.” She threw the piece of cloth she was wiping the tables with at me and went behind the bar.

“I saw the video.” She said while locking the doors.

“I didn’t know about it until a group of teenagers stopped me in the street earlier.”

“You did the right thing. I mean, standing up for that girl was a good move. Not anyone could’ve done that.”

“Thank you, I guess.” I chuckled and looked down. It was weird to hear these things from people. I didn’t feel like a hero or anything, I didn’t know what was going on.

She sent me a smile and walked away. The whole day kept repeating itself in my head. Suddenly the thought of Philip’s people kidnapping others crossed my mind and picked up my heartbeat. I know Scarlett hasn’t said anything about it and neither did Matt, but now I was a part of this. My job was to help those people and right now I was just going home as if the job was done. I felt very useless, I really did.

I barely made it back to my flat and made a note to take my motorcycle for a ride tomorrow. I missed it and I had no idea why haven’t I used it these past days. 

The elevator stopped when it reached my floor and with a deep sigh I entered my flat. I made myself a full mug of black coffee. I wouldn’t sleep even if I haven’t drunk it, so it didn’t matter. 

I brought my laptop to the kitchen and turned it on. It took eternity as always, but soon I found myself on Instagram, creating a new account. Once I did that, I opened the notes app on my phone and typed the username into the search bar. During that I got many pop ups telling me what to do and what to click when I want to add something to my stories or whatever. It was annoying, but step by step I found the girl I was looking for.

_ Hey, I’m the guy from the street _

I sent the message and got a response almost immediately.

_ Hi! I can finally tag you now! Btw I’ll send you the video, make sure to read the comments _

After a while I got a notification saying that she tagged me in a photo and right after that another one, this time saying that she sent me a video. I clicked on the shared post and watched the short clip of me yelling at that cop and then being taken away. Let me tell you, it felt rather awkward looking at myself do all of that, but from another person’s point of view. 

The video got to an end and then started all over again. I didn’t need to see that thing twice, so I headed into the comment section as she told me to.

_ What a legend, we stan  _

_ This is too much, the police don’t even know what they’re doing anymore _

_ Does anyone know this man? I stan him already _

_ Fuck yeah, that’s my man _

Most of the comments were just people admiring me and saying how fucked up the police system is, along with plenty of emojis, but there were some who disagreed, as always. One comment caught my eye. It was a longer one than the others and it frightened me a bit, especially the last sentence.

_ This has been going on for years and someone finally caught it on camera, thank you. This man did the right thing, I hope he’s okay. We need to do something about this. We need to stand up for ourselves.  _

The comment got hundreds of likes and almost a hundred responses.

_ I smell a protest _

_ We should take this to the streets _

_ Yeah fr we’ve had enough _

_ Bastards _

I shut the laptop and took a deep breath. This was getting out of control, it was too much. Fuck, what was I supposed to do? I dialed Scarlett and pleaded for her to pick it up.

“I know already, it’s everywhere, Theo.”

“I’ve never felt worse, Scar. I feel like something bad is going to happen.”

“We don’t know what’s going to happen, first of all, we need to calm everyone down. They have every right to be angry, but we can’t just bring them into this, you know it’s bigger than just the police.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I sighed and closed my eyes. I wanted to just erase this moment from history forever.

“Don’t worry your head, Theo. Adam would be proud of you, remember that.”

“For what? For starting this madness?”

“It’s not madness yet.”

“Yet is the keyword there.” 

“Theo, we’ll get everything under control, don’t worry.” 

“Okay, okay.”

I hung up and leaned back in the chair. I closed my eyes for a moment and focused on my breathing, the heartbeat in my chest, the quiet all around. It was all real, not a bad dream. This was really happening and I started it. 

I rubbed my eyes and as I was putting my hands down a little colourful smudge stayed on my palm. I almost forgot about the little flag. I made my way into the bathroom and tried to wash it away as best as I could while avoiding looking at myself in the mirror. I was the last thing I wanted to see right now. 

When no more coloured water went down the drain I gathered the courage to take a look at myself. My cheek was red and it hurt a bit. I knew how Adam felt now. I could avoid thinking about it all I wanted, but it was there and I couldn’t run away from it forever. I was thinking about him, I missed him, I wanted him back and I knew it, but I couldn’t let it consume me. I couldn’t become weak.

I hit my fist on the side of the sink and right away clutched it with my other hand. It didn’t make me feel better, but at least I focused on the pain instead of all the crazy stuff going on. 

“Fucking damn it, Hutchcraft! What the fuck have you done?” No, but really,  _ what have I done? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it’s all slowly starting, are you as excited as I am? I don’t have as much to say as I usually do, because I feel like the chapter speaks for itself. If you want to see Theo and Adam with the little rainbows on their cheeks, I tried to do a little visualization on my Instagram somebody.fractured, so feel free to go there if you want to stay in touch with me besides ao3. Thank you for reading, see you soon <3


	15. Darkest hour

“How are you feeling today, Adam?” the therapist asked me with a smile and opened her notebook on a new page. 

“I’m better than yesterday, can I cut off the medication already?”

“Don’t forget that you’re feeling better thanks to the medication,” she pointed out the obvious.

“I don’t like it, I’ve been through this before. Can’t I just go back to normal?”

“Before?”

“Yeah, when I was a teenager. It was only for like eight months and then I slowly got off the medication, but the first few weeks were a nightmare.” I looked up at the plain ceiling and went back in time to my youth. 

“Why did they give you the medication?”

“They just...hey, do we have to go through this? I think my previous therapist still might have the files with my information.”

“Adam, those are files from when you were a teenager. You’re an adult now, we have to go through this all over again.”

“Fine.” I growled and took a deep breath before going through my autobiography all over again, like I did all those years ago. But this time, there was more to tell.

“I used to be a very joyful kid, just like anyone else around me, but when I started school, something inside me changed. I noticed I had trouble focusing on things, as if my mind still wanted to play and have fun. The teachers talked to my parents about it and said it’s nothing unusual, it simply happened to some kids. They were patient with me and did their best to entertain me, but also teach me something at the same time. That was great and I’ll be forever thankful to them for that, but teachers in high school weren’t so tolerant of it anymore. Anyway, this problem with focusing stayed with me to this day, but during my time in high school I started having severe mood swings. I was jumping all around the room for weeks, worked until late hours, made various plans each day and then _boom_ it all turned upside down and I stayed in my room most of the time, I didn’t feel motivated to do anything and stuff like that. My parents of course noticed, but they didn’t really do anything about it, they just let me be and said it was only puberty and it will go away. One day, during the worse period, I thought I just couldn’t go on like that anymore and I found one therapist near the school I went to. He was a very nice guy, he was patient while I was slowly opening up more and more on each session and he helped me to not lose my mind during this time.” I stopped for a few minutes and thought about my old therapist.

“Were your parents supportive of this?” She asked when I stayed quiet.

“Not really, they didn’t understand it. I needed help, but they didn’t think the same. When Andrew, the therapist I mean, told me they had to come there as well at least for a few minutes I explained that it’s pointless, so he made an exception, thankfully. But then he gave me some tests to do and when the results came in, he told me it’s not too bad, but I should go to a psychiatrist, which I did and when I started going there, they gave me medication to make the mood swings less severe. Like I said, the first few weeks were a nightmare. I barely knew what was going on, but eventually it got better and I continued to visit the psychiatrist for a whole year or so.”

“So, your therapist was a man and the psychiatrist was…?”

“Does it matter? Gender has nothing to do with this.”

“I was just asking because you mentioned the therapist’s gender.”

“We were both open about this topic. He was gay and I was questioning myself. When it came to gender and sexuality, I didn’t keep secrets from him, I felt comfortable sharing these things, but with the psychiatrist we kept it strictly about the mood swings. After all, that was our goal.”

“I understand,” she said and wrote something into the notebook she brought.

“But you weren’t in any kind of relationship, right?”

“Of course not, he was married and I was still questioning myself. He guided me through everything and offered a helping hand when I needed it, but that was it.” At first, I was a bit weirded out by that, but then I realised that maybe this thing between a therapist and a patient has happened before.

“Is that it?”

“Well, when I finished high school I tried to find some job, so I could get away from home as soon as possible, but it didn’t really work out.”

“What happened?”

“My family really pissed me off and I ran away with barely any money.”

“And?”

“And…” I didn’t finish, because the memories after that seemed blurry. I didn’t know if it really happened or not. 

“I...I came here and I had a boyfriend, but we broke up and...I don’t know, I somehow appeared here.”

“Do you remember any details? Like the boyfriend’s name for example.”

“Um...oh yes, Philip! He was Philip.”

“And how was your relationship?” 

“Good, I...I think, I mean, I don’t remember too much. He got killed last week.”

“What happened?”

“That um...look I don’t know, I got dizzy and something went wrong. I have no idea what’s going on, but I want to leave.”

“Okay, I’ll call the doctor and you may leave.”

I got up from the seat where I kept fidgeting for the past ten minutes or so and paced around the room. I kept coming back to what could’ve happened in between all the strange fog in my head. I had some memories, there were a few familiar faces, but I couldn’t recognise if it was reality or if I confused my dreams with reality.

“I have a few memories of some people, but I don’t know if they’re real. What if I’m confusing it with dreams?” I turned to the lady once again and she looked up while fixing her glasses.

“Your mind can’t make up fictional people by itself, you had to see them in real life at least once.”

“Adam?” My doctor appeared in the doorway and signalised for me to come with him.

“So, they’re all real?”

“Yes, Adam. They may all be real people.”

That sentence stayed in my mind on loop for the whole day. _Your mind can’t make up fictional people, they may all be real._ The word ‘may’ confused me. So were they real or not? They must’ve been if my mind can’t make them up.

When we reached my room I asked the doctor about it. I had to get an answer.

“She meant that you may have confused some details and therefore that would technically make the people unreal. If they had blond hair, but your mind would think they had brown hair, it would make them sort of unreal, if you know what I mean.”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Think about it, Adam.”He closed the door and left.

I went to sit on my bed, since there wasn’t too much to do here. I noticed something laying on the nightstand. I frowned and took a look at it. 

“I hope you’ll remember once,” the note read and underneath was written the name Theo. 

“Oh, Theo!” I smiled when at the memory of him coming here earlier today. He was one of those familiar faces. I remembered him, therefore I knew this person was definitely real, but I still didn’t know much about him.

I put down the note and took a closer look at the photo he left there. It showed me giving him a kiss on the cheek on some...bedsheets? We were in a bed together?

Suddenly I got this kind of feeling you get when you dream about something and then it happens in real life. This moment was a screenshot saved in my mind and it just popped up and fit the situation. The whole room did a one huge spin and I lost my balance. The photo fell out of my hand and I put my palm onto the nightstand. I read somewhere that if your head spins you should put your palm onto a flat surface, so your brain realises your body isn’t spinning or something like that. 

My plan hasn’t really worked and I bumped into the nightstand, making all things fall on the ground. The terrible sound seemed impossibly loud in my ears and it hurt. It hurt so bad. I felt the ground disappearing under my legs, all the objects suddenly non-existent. The world faded into darkness and the last thing I felt was falling into someone’s hands.

“Adam? Adam!” 

The doctor was the first person I saw when I opened my eyes. He looked happy to see me come back to myself again. However, there was only one word stuck in my mind.

“Theo.”

“You should take a rest, it’s too late.”

He helped me get up and get into my bed. Before he left I got yet another bunch of medication. I hated it, I didn’t want to eat that shit anymore.

“I don’t want it.” I muttered.

“You have to, Adam, you’ll get sick if you suddenly stop taking it.”

“I’ve been here for like a day, I don’t want it.”

“Fine, I’ll leave you alone, but you’ll have to get an IV in the morning.”

I didn’t say anything. I just closed my eyes and visited the archive of my mind for what seemed like the hundredth time today. I went through all the memories once again, carefully opening each door and looking at what’s inside. I knew there was more to it, there had to be! I needed someone who knew me and who could help me confirm all of this. Someone close to me. 

My gaze found the photo I was looking at earlier. I picked it up and held it on my chest. I needed Theo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we got another look into Adam’s past and his mind. This is probably the fastest I’ve ever written and edited a chapter (only a few hours) and I’m actually surprised. Well, hopefully our two lovebirds will be back together soon...  
> If you like my stories and you want to get to know me more or just talk about something I created an account on Instagram somebody.fractured where you can keep up with me and we can create our own little universe there, so go there and follow me if you’re interested :)  
> Okay enough of the self-promo and useless talk, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and see you soon in the next one <3


	16. Darling, be strong

“Matt, you have to do something!” Scarlett raised the tone of her voice once again today. We’ve been in the office since early morning hours and the stress and tension left visible traces on all of us.

“I’m trying, okay?” He yelled back. Scarlett growled and continued walking nervously around the room. She took off the flannel shirt she was wearing and now wore only the black tank top she had underneath. I had the sleeves on my shirt rolled up, the first few buttons undone and I still felt as if I was burning alive. I didn’t know if it was only caused by the stress or if the room was really getting hotter.

“I don’t think we can do more. The video spread around the whole world already, I’m sorry.” Matt gave up after.

“You’re one of our best techs! You can get every single information about anyone in a few seconds, don’t tell me you can’t stop the spread of one video!”

“I can, but it’s too late!” 

They both continued to yell at each other like two dogs on a street. A part of me wanted to stop them, but I focused on my own thoughts, my own issues. I still had yesterday on my mind. I was worried about Adam, but now I had to worry about a goddamn start of a revolution as well. I had to choose between the person I loved and the whole country. What was I supposed to worry about first? Most people would choose their country without any hesitation, but I wasn’t so convinced about it. These people wanted some kind of change and I was right there with them, because there was more happening behind the scenes than on the main stage.

When I thought about it, I put Adam in the first place. If I had him by my side, I wouldn’t be so scared. 

“Theo!” I jerked when Scarlett shouted at me. Only then I noticed my phone was ringing. The caller ID said ‘Hospital’ and my world did one huge spin before I got myself together and picked up.

“Hello?”

“Mr. Hutchcraft, we want to inform you that Adam’s condition has improved and he would like to see you today.”

“When can I come to visit him?”

“Even right now if that’s okay with you.”

“Sure, thank you.”

The receptionist, I assumed, hung up and I hurried to take my jacket and leave.

“Where are you going?” Scarlett stopped me.

“Adam wants to see me.”

“We got stuff to do here, Theo! You can’t jus-”

“I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love him, he lost his memory and barely remembered me and now he wants to see  _ me _ , not anyone else. You can’t stop me!” I was looking into her eyes the whole time as if to make myself even clearer. She eventually backed off and let me go. 

When I left the building I found a message from her.

_ I called Andrew, he will help us while you’re gone _

Even though it was a text message I could hear her disappointed tone of voice saying it. Anything for love, right?

I hopped onto my motorcycle and drove to the hospital. The streets were unusually calm and I thought it was just a matter of time before the peaceful curtain would fall.

Once I arrived I didn’t waste any time and hurried inside.

“I’m here to visit Adam Anderson,” I informed the receptionist at the front desk.

“Room number 84.” She smiled and looked up from the computer screen.

“Thank you.” I said, even though I didn’t need that information. I’ve been here before, I remembered the number of his room, but I couldn’t just storm in without telling anyone, could I?

I stood in front of the white door with my hand just above the door handle. I was afraid of who was going to be behind it. Was it my Adam or someone else? No, I couldn’t think like this. They told me  _ he _ wanted to see me, so he had to remember me, right?

“You have nothing to worry about, he’s doing fine.” A doctor appeared next to me and patted me on the shoulder as an encouraging gesture.

“Are you sure?”

“It’s not permanent, of course, not every small detail can be recovered, but our bodies are capable of more miracles than we think.” 

For a place where people died on a daily basis the workers seemed happier than the people outside. He walked down the corridor, took a deep breath and entered another room with a bunch of files in his hand. Or maybe it was all just an act to calm down the worrying families. 

I repeated the same thing and finally stepped inside Adam’s room. At first the walls seemed as depressing as the last time I was here, but when Adam’s eyes lit up at the sight of me, the room was filled with happiness.

“Theo!” He wanted to outstretch his hand out to me, but the IV in his arm stopped him from it.

“Hey, be careful.” I walked over to him, so he didn’t have to reach out and risk pulling the needle out or harming himself.

“It’s so good to see you.”

“How are you feeling?” I asked him and took one of the chairs in the room to sit next to the bed.

“Well, besides passing out for a while yesterday, I’m feeling good.”

“You passed out? What happened?” 

“I’m not sure, I found the photo you left here and...it felt as if everything got together, like a puzzle. I remembered.” He was looking at a non-existent point in the room and frowning the whole time.

“So that’s what the IV’s for.” I pointed out and looked up at the see through plastic bag filled with a clear liquid, slowly dripping down into Adam’s veins.

“I refused to take my medication yesterday and the doctor told me that I’ll have to be given this thing in the morning if I won’t eat the pills.”

“And I guess your stubborn ass didn’t, am I right?”

“Exactly,” he laughed at my comment and I understood what people meant by the phrase ‘it felt like the sun coming out after a storm’. Seeing him laugh actually felt that way.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“Can you tell me everything I’ve missed?” His hand found mine on the side of the bed and we interlaced our fingers. When I looked up at him I saw the face of Adam which I’ve seen only once. It was that moment in the elevator, when we didn’t know anything about each other. He was standing there with the smudged rainbow flag on his cheek, looking down and hoping I won’t beat him up. It was the vulnerable side of him, he wasn’t hiding behind anything. Oh how far we’ve come since that day.

“Are you sure you can handle it?”

“Try me.” He smirked and waited for me to start talking.

I went on and on about the whole situation, what happened, what I did and how we were most likely on the edge of a revolution.

“All I take from that is that if I disappeared you would just turn into me,” he said jokingly and I couldn’t hold back a laugh.

“Looks like it.”

“So you left them to come here? Don’t they miss your help there?”

“No, don’t worry, Scarlett called Andrew to come and help them.” I played with his beautiful fingers and therefore didn’t notice the confusion in his face.

“Andrew?”

“Yeah, it’s the guy that helped Scarlett, you don’t remember him, I guess?”

“Wait, did she tell you his surname?”

“Dankworth if I remember correctly, she just briefly mentioned it once.”

Adam looked at me in shock and I panicked that he was going to pass out once again. I squeezed his hand in fear and hoped he would be okay.

“Are you kidding? That’s my old therapist!”

“What?”

“When I was a teenager I went to a therapist for some time, because of my mental health issues and that’s him! Andrew Dankworth!”

“I feel like we just came full circle.” I leaned back on the chair and ran a hand through my hair. Adam was right, everything got together like a puzzle.

There was a knock on the door and we both turned to look at the nurse coming in.

“Sorry to interrupt, I just have to check on Adam.”

“Do I have to leave?”

“Yes, but you can come later. We just need to make sure everything is okay with him, I’m sure you understand.”

“I do, thank you.”

She smiled and went to take the little bag off of the metal construction. Everyone was so polite and kind here. So many people talk shit about hospitals, but they’re actually not so bad, unless I just got lucky.

“Theo, wait!” I turned around at Adam’s words. He was gesturing for me to come closer. I went back to the bed and questioningly looked at him. He sat up on the bed, grabbed the back of my neck and our lips met in a short but still sweet kiss after what seemed like an eternity. The nurse pretended that she was ignoring us, but I could see her smirk from the corner of my eye.

“I don’t want you to leave again.”

“I’ll come back, I promise.” I gave him one last kiss on his forehead and left the room.

I said goodbye to the receptionist, who was just eating lunch behind the front desk and walked out of the hospital. I checked my phone and found a message from an unknown number.

_ Hey, Andrew here, I’m sure you heard about me already. I know you’re busy right now, but I need you to come to the office asap _

I saved the number under the name ‘Andrew’ and started my motorcycle. I arrived at the office in just a few minutes. I rushed inside, wondering what could’ve happened that was so urgent.

“Theo! Thank God, we needed you here.” Scarlett unexpectedly hugged me. “Is Adam okay?” She pulled away and looked up at me.

“Yes, he’s doing great. Actually, I need to talk to Andrew.”

“I assume you’re talking about  _ that  _ Adam, right?” A tall man with black hair stepped closer and now I was the one looking up during a conversation.

“He was surprised to hear about you after such a long time.”

“I don’t doubt that, I hope I’ll get to see him soon. We used to be pretty close.”

“Oh did you now? Define ‘close’.” I didn’t realise how harsh I sounded, but judging by his expression I turned into a very jealous boyfriend very quickly. I didn’t even know why, maybe I was just afraid he would attempt to take him away from me once they reunited.

“Not close like  _ close _ , I’m married, so you don’t have to worry about that. I was there for him when he needed someone to talk to, that’s all. No other relationship.” 

“Good.” I calmed down and asked about the current situation.

“About that, we have a problem.” Matt, who was silent until then, gestured for me to come to his computer. He turned around on his spinning chair and typed something very quickly into the browser.

“This was posted only half an hour ago.” He backed away a bit so I could read the text.

_ Guys, gals and non-binary pals, I’m sure most of you noticed the video of Theo Hutchcraft standing up for one of the members of our community at the London Pride. This has happened countless times already and we’ve had enough! We don’t deserve to be treated this way, nobody does and it’s time we stand up for ourselves! On the 30th June the Pride month, our month, ends, but not this year. This year we will continue our Pride until we get the government to do something about this situation. Let’s fight for our rights! _

Under the text were other information about what they want to do including a few protests across the whole country in different cities. 

“What does this mean for us?” 

“It means that we failed at calming them down. From now on, we have to keep monitoring the situation each day and get Philip’s people to stop.” Andrew answered me and we all looked at each other with the same question lingering in the air.

“Does this mean the start of a revolution?”

“Maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I was writing this chapter I remembered how I had to be given two IVs at once when I was in a hospital, because my condition was getting worse instead of better and it was a very unpleasant feeling, so, Adam, you’re a lucky bastard with only one IV. Anyway, our two love birds are finally getting back together again! But will it be so easy? We’ll see ;)  
> Thank you for reading, see you soon <3


	17. All I have to give

I kept playing with a glass of Whiskey, tracing its edges with my fingers and spinning it in my hand, all while looking through a certain Instagram account. It was the one which made the long post about what they wanted to do by the time June ended. That was a couple of days ago. Right now, it was the last day of June and we were all impatiently waiting for the clock to hit midnight. 

The last few days have been a huge disappointment. We basically haven’t accomplished anything. Philip’s people were still going after and kidnapping people and the police weren't doing anything about it, obviously. Adam was still in the hospital, but they told me he could go back home soon. His therapist talked to me about his mood swings and the new medication he has to take every day from now on. They wanted to keep him there for some more, mostly because it could mess up his head a little bit and they wanted to keep an eye on him. It was indeed slightly scaring me, but I kept telling myself he would be okay. After all, it was supposed to help him.

I drank the rest of the liquid in the glass, enjoying the burning feeling in my throat. I knew I'd had enough already, but I reached for the bottle to pour myself another glass, only to find out I finished the whole thing.

“Fuck me,” I mumbled and got up to go to the kitchen, but my spinning head stopped me from it.

I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again, I promised I wouldn’t fall back down, but here I was. You know, when Adam was falling I was here to help him, but who do I have? Liz hasn’t talked to me for almost a week and Paul, who promised to stay by Adam’s side, just disappeared after Philip’s death. I didn’t have a job anymore, because I dedicated all my time to this bullshit and I spent a bunch of money on alcohol. Everything was fucked.

The fragile glass ended up shattered on the ground as I threw it against the wall. My eyes turned into waterfalls as tears rolled down my cheeks and all the bottled up emotions made its way out onto the surface. Life could be so damn overwhelming. 

My phone started ringing, the caller nobody else than Andrew. What the fuck did he want right now at this night hour?

“Yeah?” I answered, my voice still rough and shaky.

“Theo, are you okay? You sound like you’ve been crying,” Andrew said with an actual worry in his voice, but I assumed it wasn’t caused just by my poor mental state.

“Still am, why are you calling?” 

“It’s not that important, we can talk about it tomorrow. Go and have some sleep.”

“No, tell me.”

“Theo, I’m sorry for calling you this late, I shouldn’t have. You clearly need some rest. Goodnight.”

“Andrew, for fuck’s sake, just tell me what’s going on.” I yelled at him.

“Scarlett got arrested for Philip’s murder.”

I almost dropped the phone, but I managed to save it. Instead, I dropped down on my knees, crying even harder than before.

“Why did you think this wasn’t important? Why, Andrew?” I shouted, not caring that my voice broke down in the middle of each sentence.

“I didn’t want to put more baggage on you when you’re already breaking, Theo.”

“Why does everyone think I’m so fucking fragile, huh? I’m not, okay? Stop keeping secrets away from me for my own good!”

“Theo-”

“I can fucking take this! I don’t want you to keep secrets away from me!” I ended the call and wanted to throw the phone away, but I reconsidered it since I’ve done enough damage already.

First Adam, now Andrew. I wouldn’t be so pissed if it really wasn’t important, but these are very important things! Was it because I was younger? Did it really make such a difference? Did they think of me as the weaker member of the group because of my age? Or maybe as a threat because of what I’ve started?

I unsuccessfully wiped away the tears going down my face with the back of my hand, making it even wetter than before. My vision was blurry and the world was still a carousel disappearing beneath my feet, but somehow I made it into the bedroom. I left the broken glass on the floor, making a mental note to clean it up in the morning. 

Falling asleep and forgetting about everything seemed like the best thing to do right now, but not when you’re completely drunk. Then it’s a nightmare.

“Fuck you, Hutchcraft. You’re such a stupid prick, you knew this was going to happen when you opened that bottle,” I kept telling myself.

I turned onto my side and silently cursed when it caused the world to do another big spin. Oh how badly I wanted Adam to be here with me. He would tell me some sweet things until I would fall asleep and hold me in his arms the whole time. No, he wouldn’t let me get so drunk in the first place! But if I still did, his big angel wings would protect me, both from falling down and falling off the bed.

I closed my eyes, trying to ignore how sick it made me feel. I imagined Adam behind me with his arm around my waist. I could almost feel his presence for real. As if he was actually there with me.

My entire body jerked and I was awake again, my heart beating fast in my chest. I’ve had one of those dreams where you run and suddenly fall into a hole or you trip over something. I checked the time on my watch. It was early morning, the sun wasn’t even rising yet. 

I turned to lay on my back, pleased by the fact that I didn’t feel like I was on a carousel anymore, but unfortunately I still felt sick and completely drained. I decided to try to get a few more hours of sleep. I needed them.

I woke up after dreaming of visiting Adam at the hospital, but the weird thing was that when I arrived he was back in his clothes and ready to go home. It was unexpected, but I was glad to be going home with him.

“Stupid dreams,” I thought and closed my eyes.

“Let her go!” I said and woke up at the realisation that I talked while sleeping.

“Seriously?” I sighed and rubbed my eyes when I saw the time on my watch. It was only six in the morning. Maybe I got a few hours of sleep, but due to waking up every half an hour with another weird dream on my mind I felt as if I was awake the whole night.

I turned my head to the left, looking at the slowly rising sun behind the tall buildings. Everything looked so peaceful, I thought I was still dreaming. Few of the sun rays hit me right into the eyes and I had to turn away from the beautiful scenery. 

I sat up on the bed with only a mild headache, but on the other side I felt extremely sick. By some miracle I walked to the kitchen and took out a box full of various pills, pulling out a stripe full of painkillers. It probably wasn’t the best idea, since I felt sick and hadn't eaten anything, but I thought my state couldn’t get any worse at this point. 

I checked my phone, seeing that I had a message from Andrew. I almost forgot about our phone call earlier.

_ I hope you’ll feel better in the morning. We need you, Theo _

Reading the last sentence made me tear up. I felt like I failed everyone with my stupid behaviour, including myself. I had to get my shit together and keep at least half of the promises I gave people. 

I looked into the mirror and fixed my hair to at least create the impression I was feeling better. My eyes were decorated with circles underneath and I made peace with the fact that I couldn’t cover up how tired I was. 

I imagined Adam was there with me. He would encourage me to keep going, he would be proud of me. He actually was proud of me, I knew it. I just had to keep reminding myself of it.

I had to abandon my motorcycle again, for I wasn’t in the best stage to ride it today. But a walk outside wasn’t such a bad idea. At least I would clear my head a little.

It was the middle of summer, but today’s morning was slightly colder than usual, so I could wear my leather jacket and look a bit cooler without melting. Thankfully. 

The streets were filled with people hurrying to work or coming out of cafés with paper cups full of warm coffee. It reminded me of the routine I used to be stuck in for years, until Adam showed me a new way to live. The more exciting one, full of adventures and surprises. But the thing I didn’t realise, until now, was that it came with a certain price. Who knows where I would be if Adam left that day, instead of coming home with me. Would the world be the same as now? Would someone else do what I did? What would happen to Adam? The thought of it was scaring me.

“Oh my God that’s Theo!” I heard someone shout and when I looked up I saw a girl running up to me.

“I just want to tell you that you’re so amazing and brave and I just really admire you for what you did!” She talked so fast I barely processed what she was saying.

“Oh right, well, thank you,” I said with an awkward laugh. I will never get used to this.

“I’m a friend of Olivia, you remember her, right?”

“Yes, I do.”

“She told me everything and I need to thank you for saving her. It must’ve been hard to get out of there.”

“What did she tell you?” 

“Well, how those cops left her in the cell and then they brought you there and you helped her...is it not the truth?” She questioningly looked at me, probably afraid that her friend lied to her.

“It is,” I said, quickly realising it probably wasn’t the best idea. My words held such a power right now that anything I said could rapidly affect the future, but my reflexes and thinking were slowed down.

“How could they do something like that? That’s just unacceptable! People need to know about this!” She immediately took out her phone and opened the Instagram app.

“Wait-”

“Can I take a photo with you? It would mean the world to me!” She stood next to me and took a photo of the two of us. I felt even more uncomfortable when I saw how broken I looked. I didn’t want anyone to see it, but it was too late.

“Thank you so much! You’re amazing!” She waved at me when walking away and I couldn’t bring myself to anything more than a small smile. This felt terrible.

After about fifteen minutes I reached the building where the office was situated. I walked up the stairs and stepped inside the room.

“What the fuck have you done?” Andrew walked over to me and grabbed me by the jacket.

“What are you talking about?” 

“Why did you tell them everything that happened? Do you have any idea how fucking angry are people now? It’s even worse than before!” He yelled right into my face and Matt had to come to tear him away from me.

“Calm down, Andrew. You know this won’t help us the slightest.”

“You need to learn how to keep your mouth shut or else you’ll never set a foot into this room again!”

“Andrew, calm the fuck down and go answer your damn phone!” Matt told him calmly, but his tone was enough to make Andrew go outside and answer the phone call.

“Thank you.” 

“No problem, he has issues with thinking rationally when under pressure. I know him a bit already.” He went back to his computer and gestured for me to come with him.

“What exactly have I done again?” I sat next to him on a chair and looked at the screen while he was looking for something.

“This girl says she’s Olivia’s friend and she told her what happened and you confirmed it. The comments under the post were, as you probably figured out, full of angry people. The whole community is furious.”

“I met her just this morning on my way here. It all happened so quickly. I-I barely registered it.” My voice became shaky in the end and I tried to hold in all the tears. I was such a cry baby, I didn’t want to break down in front of Matt.

“Theo, what’s going on? It’s fine you can talk to me.”

“Everything’s falling apart and we haven’t made any progress. What even are we doing here?” 

“Not everything is falling apart. Tunnel vision can be a bitch, but think about the things you still have. Focus on that and forget what you’ve lost.”

“I can’t forget about this, it’s important and we need to stop it!”

“I said forget about things you’ve  _ lost _ .”

When I realised what he meant I felt a little light flicker inside of me. Something I haven’t felt for a long time-hope. 

“And to answer some of your questions, Scarlett is okay so far, but it looks like we need to directly connect to Philips’s people quickly. Since they have a connection to the police, we can’t waste any time and let them hurt her.”

“I suppose we can’t get her out of there, can we?”

“I don’t think so, but we can visit her and communicate like that. It’s better than nothing.”

“Could this get any worse?” I growled.

“Oh yeah, it definitely could. How’s Adam by the way? Is everything okay?”

“He’ll be coming home soon.” I smiled at the thought of having him home again, but I also felt nervous. 

“That’s great, I’m happy it all worked out for the two of you.” 

The printer started printing out some papers and Matt collected them all, folded them and left to look for something. He came back with a book and put the folded papers inside. 

“Go to the prison and give this to Scarlett. Just say you brought her this to pass the time.” He handed me the book and when I opened it I noticed it had only a few not damaged pages. The rest had a hole in the middle with the papers put inside.

“What’s that?”

“I explained the situation in the binary system and told her what she could do to help us from there.”

“Why did you use the binary system? Is writing in our alphabet not cool anymore?”

“I don’t want anyone else to read our mastery plan.” He winked at me and sat back down.

I shook my head and went to the door. 

“Oh and Theo,” Matt called out to me before I left.

“Everything will be okay, don’t worry. We got this.” He put his fist into the air and when I did the same he ‘fistbumped’ me from the distance. I smiled at the ridiculousness of the gesture. I was starting to like this guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t plan for this chapter to be so long, but somehow I started writing and couldn’t stop myself, so I hope you enjoyed this unusually long update. Thank you for reading and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram (somebody.fractured) if you want to keep up with what I’m currently doing or just chat for a bit <3
> 
> P.S. I might do a little Q&A on there soon so if you have any questions for me feel free to leave them there if I decide to do it :)


	18. Hold me close just like the first time

I entered the prison building, flashbacks from the past reminding me of what happened the last time I’ve been to a place like this. My hands started shaking a little bit, but I didn’t let it stop me. After all, it had to be done, I made a promise.

“Yes, this one,” I confirmed when one of the policemen asked me if this was the person I was looking for and showed me Scarlett’s mugshots. He called someone to the desk and they led me to a room where I was supposed to meet her.

“Wait! What’s that?” the officer asked me and pointed at the book I was holding.

“It’s just a book for her to pass the time.” I lifted it up, so he could take a look at it, but didn’t let him take it into his hands.

Besides Adam’s sad hospital room, this was the most depressing room I’ve ever seen. Why couldn’t they make these places more colourful? Why did it have to be the same plain white walls everywhere?

The door opened and I turned my head to look in its way. Scarlett entered the room and sent me a small smile. The guard closed the door behind her and she sat down opposite me.

“Good to see you.” I started the conversation. 

“I could say the same. How are you handling it?”

“Pretty well, but it’s getting crazier out there.”

“Oh I’m sure it is. Look, I’d love to have a long conversation, but we have a limited time, so let’s get straight to business.”

“Good idea. Matt is sending you this.” I handed her the book and she took it into her cuffed hands.

“Let me guess, it’s a message in binary code?” She smirked.

“It is.” I nodded.

“I knew he would do something like this. He always does it.” She checked if the guards were watching us and then carefully took a look inside the book.

“How does it even work?” 

“It’s not so complicated when you get a hold of it. When he first mentioned it to me I was shocked, because it seemed impossible to use it in some way, but then I realised how easy it actually is.”

“So, how does it work?” I asked her once again. 

“See, there’s a small space between each group of the numbers, that means one number. You have four numbers in the first group, which symbolises four decimal places. For each number one, you write down two to the fourth power multiplied by one, since it’s used only one time in this case, two to the third power…” she explained and I tried to do my best to keep up with her.

“And when you have zero in the number, you just skip it and continue with the next one. Then you solve the multiplication part and just add everything together. It’s not so difficult, is it?” She looked at me as if everything was perfectly clear.

“I don’t like math, but tell me this, how do you get a word from it?”

“Each number represents one letter of the alphabet. You just count the letters and if you get number eight, for example, you’ll know it means the letter H. So, this first letter here,” she pointed to a group of numbers,”means H. Got it?”

“I think I’ll have to ask Matt about this.” I chuckled awkwardly and Scarlett rolled her eyes, but not in the annoyed way. 

“It can be useful, good luck.”

“Time is over.” A guard entered the room and Scarlett quickly closed the book to avoid him seeing its contents.

“Thank you for the book. Now I have something to entertain myself with,” she pointed out sarcastically and winked at me, the guard already leading her out of the room.

“You’re welcome!” I called after her.

My head was still full of numbers even after leaving the prison. I don’t like math, never did and never will, but there was something about this method that I couldn’t let go.

I hurried back to the office, while almost getting hit by a car and got surprised when Andrew’s apology was the first thing awaiting me behind the door.

“It’s fine, Andrew, I would be pissed at me too, so don’t worry.” I shrugged it off, not wanting to talk about it further.

“How did it go with Scarlett?” Matt interrupted our conversation and turned around on his chair to face us.

“It went well, I gave her the book and the guards weren’t suspicious at all,” I said proudly.

“Good job, Theo.”

Everyone went back to their work and I was left standing in the centre of the room, not knowing what I was supposed to do now. I kept thinking about asking Matt to teach me how the whole binary system thing works, but I didn’t want to annoy him with something like that when we had more important things to do.

“Hey, Matt. I wanted to ask you something,” I started, figuring out the only way was to push myself to it.

“Go ahead.”

“I was wondering, how does this binary system work? I mean, Scarlett tried to explain it to me, but I still don’t get it.” I must’ve sounded like a shy teenage girl telling her crush she liked them.

“Sure, come here.” He patted the empty chair next to him and took a piece of paper, writing down zeros and ones into two groups.

“So, we’ll start with the word hi. It’s only two letters, it should be easy for you to understand it. H is the eighth letter of the alphabet, so we’re going to transfer the number eight into the binary system. Eight can be written as two to the third power, so now we know we’ll only have a single number one in the binary system, because there’s only two to the third power and nothing else. Otherwise, you would subtract each number until you’d get zero. You write down number one for each number two to the xth power.”

I didn’t quite understand what he was saying, but when he started writing everything down it made much more sense.

“See? This was easy. Try to do the i by yourself.” He handed me the pen and waited while I tried to follow his instructions.

“Good. Now, you have to start with zero, which we don’t have so you write zero down. Then we have the first power, so you write one, because it’s there. The second one is missing as well and the third one is present, but also the last one, so you cut it there and you’re done.”

I wrote everything down as he was talking. When I looked at the numbers they didn’t look as complicated as before, but I still needed some training.

“I hope it’s more understandable now.” He turned back to his computer and started smashing the keys like a madman without even looking at the keyboard. I could swear this guy was an alien.

“A bit, thank you.”

He nodded and continued working. I checked my phone in case I got a call from the hospital, but I didn’t have any missed calls or messages. It was still pretty early in the morning, so I just shrugged it off and kept looking at my lock screen with Adam in the photo. It made me smile and feel a tad better. I wanted him to come back home already.

“Guys, I think we have a problem,” Matt said after a while.

“What’s going on?” Andrew walked over to us and looked at the computer screen.

“I found some documents that describe what the police want to do and what their plan is with Philip’s people.”

“What is it?”

Matt took in a deep breath before he talked again.

“What they want to achieve is basically wipe out the whole LGBT+ community and create a state without them, but it doesn’t end there. Step by step, they want to  _ spread  _ this plan across the whole world and if people won’t listen, well, the police will take care of them, if you know what I mean. And guess where they want to begin.”

“Tomorrow’s protest.”

“Exactly.”

“Wait, what protest?” I asked, interrupting their conversation.

“The one we’ve been waiting for, Theo.”

“Fuck, we have to stop this!” Andrew nervously ran a hand through his hair and I could almost see tears forming in his eyes.

“We will, don’t worry.”

“Don’t worry? Do you realise how this affects me, Matt? This could cost me my life!” Andrew shouted, full of frustration and I was right there with him. It really could cost us our lives.

“Look, Scarlett will help us out. I gave her instructions on what to do. We have our guy in prison.”

“And who would that be?” 

“Theodore Greer, he’s a guard, but he’s with us and we have a deal. He’ll give me information on what specifically the police want to do.

“Oh great, another Theo.” 

“Hey!” I said defensively.

“Theodore, mate. And his name literally means God’s gift! What could be better than that?”

“Do you want a list?”

“Guys, we have to calm down. This won’t get us anywhere.”

“Then what do you want to do?”

I stayed quiet, because, honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. Time was running out quickly. 

“I don’t know.”

“Great, that could really help us. Thank you, Theo,” Andrew said sarcastically.

“We need to get closer to Philip’s people. And when I say closer I mean very close. We can’t kill them with kindness, we have to threaten them.”

“I hate to say it, but you’re right.” 

“So, tomorrow, we will all get together and make a plan. I’ll contact our people and make sure our enemies won’t find out. You can go home now, there’s nothing else we can do at the moment.”

“What? We’re just going to sit on our asses while the world is boiling?” I shouted.

“Then what do you want to do?” Matt said back calmly. How could he stay so calm?

“Something! Anything! I refuse to sit in the corner and observe the show around!”

“You won’t, the show starts tomorrow and we’ll be a part of it. Listen to me and go home.” Matt looked into my eyes and put such emphasis on what he said that I couldn’t argue with him. He could really shut you up easily.

“Fine.” 

I put on my jacket and angrily shut the door behind myself. I didn’t know what to do, that’s true, but I also didn’t feel like doing nothing. Maybe I could try to calm down the people through social media? No, that won’t work. They’re already furious.

I run a hand through my hair, something I always did when I felt nervous. I felt like ripping it out of my head. Everything annoyed me, everything made pissed me off and I felt like breaking stuff. What have I gotten myself into? I wanted tomorrow to already start. It was barely lunch hours, but I wished for it to be night already and tomorrow as soon as possible.

I impatiently waited for the elevator to arrive and then go back up. Life seemed as if it turned into slow-motion and it was the worst thing I’ve ever felt.

I unlocked the door, stepped inside and took off my jacket and shoes on autopilot, but when I put them in their usual place I noticed something was off. There was another pair.

“Hey.”

I turned around and saw Adam standing right in front of me with a big smile on his face.

“Oh my…”

I didn’t even finish it and ran to him, throwing my arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder. After falling down to the depths of my own mind and holding it all in, I let it all out. In his arms, I wasn’t afraid anymore.

“I’m so fucking glad you’re here,” I mumbled, trying not to choke on my saliva.

When I pulled away to wipe away some of the tears, he kept his hands around me. I looked up, we made eye contact and with the blink of an eye his right hand caressed my cheek and our lips met in the sweetest kiss. After a while he wanted to pull away, but I put my hand on the back of his neck to keep him place. He let out a sharp breath and put his hands on my waist. 

Somehow, we started slowly walking towards the living room, but not all the way to the couch. Adam pressed me against the wall and we continued kissing until I heard a moan leave him in between all the kisses. I freaked out and pulled away, my heart beating rapidly either from the excitement or fear.

“Can we um...can we stop, please?” I tensed and waited for his response. I felt so bad for doing it to him, but this was a line I couldn’t bring myself to cross.

“Sure, sorry if I took it too far. Are you okay?” He let go of my hips and instead interlaced our fingers.

“Yeah, I just freaked out, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, we’ve talked about this already. You set the line and I won’t go further than you allow me to.” 

I looked into his eyes and saw he really meant it. I put my head on his shoulder again and we stayed like that for another couple of minutes, enjoying that we finally reunited. I put so much trust into him and he didn’t take advantage of it. That’s what I cherished the most about him. That’s why I wasn’t afraid to break down the walls I’ve built. 

I used to be afraid of relationships, I used to be afraid of love and I thought it was all hopeless and impossible, but he proved me wrong. It was all possible with the right person. I was no longer afraid. I  _ trusted  _ him.

“I love you, Adam.”

“I love you too, Theo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried so many times while writing this chapter, but through all the blood, tears and gold I finally made it. One thing this chapter taught me is that explaining math in English is harder than I thought and I hope I didn’t mess it up as much. If there’s any expert on math in English, I’m sorry if my explanation made you facepalm. I’m not entirely sure if people use the binary system this way when they create all the secret messages and stuff, but this way of doing it is completely made up by me, so it’s most likely not accurate.  
> Thank you for reading, 1100 1111 10110 101 11001 1111 10101 1 1100 <3
> 
> P.S. The text was originally supposed to contain parts of how Theo and Matt were solving the binary system thing, but no matter how hard I tried ao3 always messed up the numbers, so unfortunately I had to delete it, sorry.


	19. I am not a pawn to be abused

“I really don’t know what to do, Adam. This just feels wrong.”

“Hey, Matt told you there’s nothing else to do. Tomorrow is the big day, so don’t worry about today,” he said and continued to gently run his fingers through my hair. The gesture calmed me down, but not enough to stop the stomach ache and the rapid heartbeat. 

“Yes, I know, but I can’t stop thinking about it and my head is filled with countless what if questions.”

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” 

The question stopped the flood of overthinking and became the only thing on my mind. What would I do?

“Well, if I  _ really  _ could not fail, I would...I would stand in front of all the people on the street and say exactly what’s on my mind and what’s going on behind the scenes. If I could not fail, I would go to the Queen and tell her she missed this horrible thing that’s happening in our country. If I could not fail this mission I wouldn’t hide anymore, I would tell the truth and just change this world with all the amazing people who are brave enough to do it without thinking about the possibility of failing.”

“So, what’s stopping you?”

“I just said it, the thought of failing.”

“But what if you can’t fail?”

I frowned and looked up at him.

“I can.”

“The  _ thought  _ of failing is stopping you, but here in reality, nothing is in your way. You can do everything you said, except for visiting the Queen, I don’t think that would work out, but otherwise, you can go and stand in front of the people and tell them the truth, you know?”

“The last time I told them the truth they went mad and that’s why we’re here right now.”

“You said yourself you can’t kill Philip’s people with kindness, so imagine you have all these people by your side against Philip’s people.”

I sat up and looked at him.

“Do you realise that means starting a whole damn revolution? This could be a war, Adam!” 

“Isn’t it already? Just look around, Theo. It’s all falling apart. Is there anything worse that could happen?”

I sighed and leaned back on the couch. The movie we were watching was now long forgotten and we probably wouldn’t be coming back to it anytime soon if at all.

“I hate it that you’re right. Can we not talk about it anymore?”

“If you say so. Actually, do you know anything about Liz and Paul? I haven’t seen them for a long time.”

“Me neither. It seems as if they just disappeared.”

He frowned and turned his head to look at me.

“What? I thought you were still talking.”

“Nope.”

“That’s weird, they promised to stay by our side, didn’t they?”

“As far as I know, at least Paul said it.”

We were both quiet, thinking about the strange situation we were in. I could see the disappointment he felt. His two very good friends gave up on him. They gave up on us. The way up is lonely, but on your way down everyone will be there.

We didn’t talk about it further the rest of the day. Hours seemed to pass like minutes when we were together, just enjoying each other’s company. I remained tense most of the time, but Adam made it more bearable.

It was the first night with him by my side after what seemed like an eternity. It felt exactly like the very first night we spent together, but this time I wasn’t so confused anymore. I was a whole new person and I liked this version of me. When I looked back at the beginning of this strange adventure, I found it hard to believe that used to be my life. Just black and white, boring, monotonous…

Adam was the little butterfly which fluttered its wings and created a storm.

“You’ll be the one kids will read about in history books in a few years.”

“How do you come up with this stuff? That’s nonsense.” I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

“Wanna bet?”

“Sure, but be prepared to lose.” I closed my eyes and laid my head on his chest. His arm wrapped around my body and I felt him making little circles on my shoulder with his thumb.

“We’ll see about that.”

The morning came rather quickly and so did the stress inside me. I didn’t feel like eating or drinking my morning coffee. I was on edge the whole time. 

“It’s gonna be okay, you’ll see,” Adam said before swallowing the pills his therapist prescribed him. The question of how could he stay so calm remained unsolved to me.

Together, we went to the office on my motorcycle. The ride got my mind off of everything for a while. When we arrived, Adam took my hand in his as a sign of reassurance and support. I took a deep breath and entered the office, which was full of people by now.

“Theo! We were waiting for you.” Matt greeted me and I just hoped he didn’t see how nervous the situation was making me. Add a full room of people I’ve never seen before to it and you’ll make me into an absolute ball of stress and anxiety.

“Okay, now that everyone is here, I’d like to say a few things about today,” he began his speech. “We have a very important mission today. We have to keep an eye on every single person participating in the protest. If you spot something unusual or someone who’s acting suspicious, you tell someone and you go together. I don’t want anyone leaving alone. You know what these people are capable of.”

Everyone was surprisingly paying attention to what he was saying. It was quiet and the only person talking was Matt.

“This day will change everything. Whether it’ll be for the better or worse, is in our hands.”

The sentence was both uplifting and scary at the same time. It reminded me of the fact that one wrong step, one wrong move could fuck up the whole thing. We had to try our best to keep the scales balanced and not let the other side outbalance us.

“Hi, Adam.” I heard Andrew’s voice behind us.

“Andrew! It’s so good to see you!” Adam’s eyes lit up and I felt a tad of jealousy rise up inside me.  _ He’s married, Theo, calm down. _

“How are you doing? I hope everything’s better now.”

“It is, thanks to this guy who didn’t give up on me.” He looked at me with a smile and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

They continued to talk for some more about how they’ve been doing since they saw each other the last time and I was just awkwardly standing there, looking around the room, waiting for the clock to hit nine already. Nine in the morning, that’s when the show began and this time I was a part of it.

I barely registered what was happening around me. I dived deep into my own thoughts, my own world and went through various scenarios of what could happen today. With the blink of an eye, we were suddenly outside, dividing into smaller groups.

“Adam, Andrew, Theo, you three stay together.” Matt gave us the instructions and then left with his group.

“Let’s go to our location, it’s not that far away,” Andrew said and we followed him.

I could already see a bunch of people heading to the centre of London, just like the day of the Pride. I wished this would be just another Pride. I wish people came here to celebrate and have fun and not fight for their rights. And most importantly, I wished their lives wouldn’t be in danger.

The location where we were supposed to be was right next to the London city hall. There was this set of something that looked like huge concrete stairs, spiralling downwards and the leader of this protest was supposed to have some kind of motivational speech there.

We sat down into the corner and waited. Again. I hated it, I felt useless, I was impatient, but that was what I was supposed to do. The place slowly but surely filled with more people and I spotted some of our people as well, hiding in dark corners just like we did. I nervously bounced my knee up and down and at some point Adam put his hand on it to stop me.

“Calm down, it’s gonna be okay.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“Why?”

“Adam, you know there’s more at stake here. These people have no idea about the things we know!”

“Well, you know what you can do.” He gave me the look when there’s something only we know between us and I for sure knew what he was talking about.

I rolled my eyes and checked the time on my watch. It was starting. The place was filled with people in a matter of seconds. Here we go.

“Hey, everyone. My name’s Paula and this is Sophie. Today, we gathered here, because we’re all tired of people throwing us down. After what happened, we decided enough is enough. We want to fight for our rights. We deserve our basic human rights!” Paula raised her voice by the end of the last sentence and people around nodded in agreement with her.

I put my head into my palms and avoided looking at the scene happening in front of us. This isn’t what I wanted to achieve. 

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” Adam said quietly to me and winked. 

“Oh hell no, are you out of your mind?”

He shrugged and continued to look at the scene in front of us. But his words stayed with me. My answer to that question was still in my head and there was a part of me that thought this could change something. No, I fucked up the last time and the time before that, I couldn’t do it again. 

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

The  _ thought _ of failing is stopping you.

You can go stand in front of the people and tell them the truth, you know?

My heart almost jumped out of my chest when I stood up from my seat.

“Theo, what the fuck?” Andrew whispered and grabbed my arm.

I shook it off and walked to where the girl was standing and talking. She got quiet and gave me a confused look. I looked up at the thousands of people recognising my face. I already spotted many phones pointed at me and recording the whole event. I took a deep breath and decided to just do it. I saw Andrew looking angrily at me from the corner of my eye, but I ignored him.

“So, um...my name is Theo, as you probably know. I, as most of you here, am a part of this community and, trust me, I’m as angry as you are. What happened that day was too much and that’s why I did what I did and I know we all came here to just protest and fight for our rights, but there’s more to this situation that you don’t know about.” My voice was trembling, legs shaking, but with each sentence I gained more confidence. I expected someone to stop me, but they all listened.

“You probably won’t believe me, I know some of you won’t and that’s okay. I wouldn’t listen to me either, but to those who are still listening to this weirdo, I need you to know this. There is...are people, who really don’t want other people like us here. I’m gonna go as far as to say they want us dead. They don’t have a name, they just do their job and nobody’s stopping them. Why? I was asking myself the same question as well and the answer shocked me. These people have a connection to the police and they work together. Yeah, it sounds crazy, but it is what it is. If we go to the streets unprepared, we might get hurt. Seriously hurt. But we have power. A power they don’t have and we can put an end to this. Together.”

When I looked at the people with shocked faces, slowly turning into cheering each second, I assumed I convinced them. But have I convinced myself?

“I have some connections too and with these connections I was able to get more information about these people. But the question is, are you with me?”

Everyone was quiet. I could almost feel my heart breaking at the spot but then someone stood up.

“I’m with you,” Adam said confidently. Andrew gave him a startled look.

“Yeah, me too.” Someone else stood up.

“Count with me.”

More people stood up and joined us. It was almost unbelievable. I felt like the main character of a book.

“We’re also with you.” Paula came closer to me and sent me a smile along with Sophie.

“So, what’s the plan?” someone from the crowd shouted and others nodded in agreement. Their full attention was on me once again and I fought the anxiety bubbling inside of my body. It was in my hands now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who finally got their shit together and wrote a new chapter! Yeah, I know this took me forever, but several sleepless nights and mental breakdowns later I managed to finish this chapter. I’m kinda proud of myself...  
> At some point I started writing like a maniac and wanted to put so much stuff into this chapter, but it would be very long, so in the end I decided to cut it off at a certain point and saved the action for the next time. Well, thank you to everyone for your patience with me, I really appreciate it and thank you for continuing to read this story. See you soon <3


	20. When I die, yeah, you know I’ll be ready to go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we get into this, depending on how easily you get emotional, please, prepare an appropriate amount of handkerchiefs...ready? Awesome. Enjoy the chapter :)

“What the fuck, Theo?” Andrew pulled me to the side and threw an angry glance at me. “We had a plan!”

“Well, I changed it!”

“No, you fucked it up again!”

“If I fucked up so much then it’s only my responsibility to clean up the mess isn’t it?”

“Enough you two,” Adam separated us, “we can’t change what happened, but we can change what’s going to happen. Andrew, we have more people now, we can take advantage of that.”

“And get them all hurt or worse? I don’t think so.”

“They were getting hurt already!” I yelled at him and noticed that everyone was looking at the two of us fighting with each other like two angry dogs.

“This could get so much worse, Theo. You have no idea what you just started.”

“Oh trust me, I do.”

I gave him one last pissed off look and went to the group of people standing all around.

“Let’s go, everyone. We have a mission to complete.”

I didn’t know where I got all the confidence from, but I didn’t care, as long as it kept me going. I needed all the adrenaline I could possibly get at that moment.

We walked through the whole city, slowly observing the sky change from light blue into charcoal. I didn’t pay too much attention to it, the weather changed all the time during summer here, but I still cared about others and I didn’t want to risk them turning around. I took a quick look back, but the sight shocked me. A mass of people followed me like obedient brainwashed sheep, reminding me of the TV show The Walking Dead. They almost looked like zombies with their spaced-out angry looks. There was almost no emotion in their faces.

I turned back and pushed the fear to the very back of my mind. I couldn’t think about it now. “I’ll finish this and everything will go back to normal,” I thought and kept walking towards our final destination.

Standing in front of the building I realised, maybe I shouldn’t have done this. Maybe I should’ve shut up for once and leave it to others. But I couldn’t turn back now, could I?

“You’re Theo fucking Hutchcraft, you can do this,” I reminded myself of my identity and imagined I was a wolf hunting its prey. Don’t judge me, it usually worked and I felt badass for once.

“I need some of you to stay outside, the rest goes with me.”

I saw a few nods and walked inside with no plan, only my intuition and angry people following me. Third floor, office eighty seven, inhale, exhale and I burst the door open.

“Those fuckers,” one woman from the group said and went over to us. Suddenly, I couldn’t move a muscle. The people ran inside and a huge fight broke out. No talking, nothing, just fists and blood here and there. 

My head was empty. I only saw what was happening in front of me and didn’t know what to think. Was it the right thing to do? No, but was I blaming them? Or tried to come up with something else and stop it? No.

“Theo, we gotta go. The police are here, it’s even worse outside.” Adam grabbed my hand and started pulling me outside against my will. 

“What?” I muttered, still in shock from what was going on in the room, my eyes fixated on the scene.

“We gotta go!” he yelled and I finally came back to my senses. 

We ran down together, leaving everyone behind. I slowly started realising this was probably the worst thing I came up with in the past few months. What was I even trying to prove? That I am the brave main character who magically fixes everything with each decision I make? That was bullshit. I didn’t know what I was doing, I just let the feeling of being in a movie where there’s only a happy ending take over me and I screwed up the entire storyline.

As Adam hurriedly opened the door and let us have a sight of what was going on outside I could feel my head do one big spin. This was madness. People were being taken into huge black trucks by armed policemen and those who fought and resisted got threatened by them and in some cases even beaten. But what I didn’t expect was another wave of citizens coming to us and trying to help them. Where did they come from? How did they come so prepared? That remains a mystery to this day, but back then, just a few moments later, I would be thankful.

But I’m not going to skip what happened before all of that. 

A few lucky ones managed to escape the sharp claws of the police and the violence, but not everyone gets lucky, right? I was torn between following them and getting them out and trying to stop this. But in the blink of an eye, life made that decision for me.

“Theo, they’re going in the direction of the prison, we have to go,” Adam said.

“And what? Leave all of this?” I snapped at him.

“Scarlett planned a riot for today, did Matt not tell you that?”

“What?” 

“If they ‘join forces’ it’s gonna get even worse. We have to start there.”

I let out a loud groan, tucked a few strands of hair behind my ear and followed him. We ran through the dark streets, watching more people get into fights with cops and at some point it started raining, which only added to the dark atmosphere. I couldn’t explain where those people came from, but it seemed as if the message spread everywhere and those who didn’t come when it began, joined us now. And they kept coming and coming…

The question why didn’t Matt tell me about what was going to happen was still running around my mind. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find the answer. Did they not trust me anymore?

“Oh fuck,” Adam muttered when we saw what state the prison was in. They apparently had some help from the outside, judging by the demolished walls. 

“How did they manage to do this? It’s been like what? Thirty minutes maximum?”

“I have no idea, nothing makes sense anymore.”

We ran towards it and got in through a hole in the fence. The police were trying to stop the fights and people escaping, but they weren’t succeeding the slightest. I was trying my best to avoid getting in between angry prisoners and policemen, while also scanning the place for Scarlett with my eyes, hoping I won’t miss her. 

“I see her!” Adam said and pointed to one of the women fighting with an armed policeman.

“Scarlett!” I shouted and got her attention. She punched the guy in the face and he bent down in pain clutching his nose. 

“Long time no see, mate.” She smiled and tapped me on the shoulder in a hurry.

“C’mon, we have to get out of here. And no Theo, you can’t stop it now,” Adam stopped me before I could whine about this again. I defeatedly nodded and followed them through the torn fence outside. Thankfully, no one noticed us leaving with a prisoner, or maybe they just didn’t make it before we left. Either way, we got lucky.

“So, what now?” I asked when we were safely hidden in one of the allies.

“We should come back and see what’s going on.”

“Yeah, I wanna punch one of those idiots,” Scarlett insisted.

“You already did,” Adam reminded her.

“My list still has one name on it.”

“This isn’t supposed to be a revenge!”

“I never mentioned revenge!”

“Shut up, both of you!” I shushed them and pushed them against the wall. A group of three policemen was passing by and it wouldn’t take too much for them to spot us.

“This reminds me of something,” I heard Adam whisper.

“Shut up.” I shook my head and saw him smirk.

“I’m going, whether or not you’re coming with me.” Scarlett rolled her eyes and left our hiding spot. Adam and I looked at each other, knowing what question was on our minds and followed Scarlett, who was already far ahead of us.

“Jesus, how is she so fast?” Adam panted and tried to keep up.

“You can ask her once you catch up.”

The scene was still the same. People fighting and getting taken away. I wondered if Philip’s people were still inside the building. We sneaked in through the crowd and ran up the stairs. When I opened the door, I sure as hell wasn’t prepared to see the place turned into a murder scene. Bodies of people were on the ground and work desks, blood almost covered the entire white floor.

“What the...” Scarlett muttered and kneeled down next to one of the bodies.

“How could they beat each other to death?” Adam was as confused as we all were.

“Those are bullet wounds, whoever killed them must’ve shot all of these people.” She examined the body.

“Looks like they killed their own people as well.”

“Yeah, this person is probably some kind of a maniac.”

As I turned around I spotted a man quietly approaching Scarlett from behind.

“Scarlett!” I yelled and when she saw I was looking behind her, she turned around. The man was quicker and before she could get away, he shot her in the stomach.

“No!” 

“Don’t!” he said when I wanted to go over to her. She was clutching her bleeding stomach and taking short breaths.

“You son of a bitch!”

“If you wouldn’t get involved none of this would happen! It’s your fault, do you not realise that?” He was pointing the gun at me, but I couldn’t care less. The anger made me apathetic. I went over to him and as he pulled the trigger I swiftly pushed his hand up, so he only shot the ceiling and I punched him in the face. From the corner of my eye I saw Adam go over to Scarlett and put some scarf, which probably belonged to one of the dead people, on her bleeding stomach.

I read somewhere that the nose was a very sensitive spot. It was apparently true, as I saw his eyes tear up and he lost coordination for a few seconds, swinging from side to side, slowly backing away. Before he could regain full consciousness I kicked him right into his crotch and he fell on the ground in pain, letting go of the gun. You know, for someone who was supposed to be the bad scary guy, I easily got him on his knees.

“I’m not going to beg for my life, just shoot me already.” He looked up at me with blood coming from his nose. I took a look at the gun on the ground, my instinct telling me to kill him, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t just kill someone!

Before I could say anything I heard a shot come from behind me, the bullet ending up in the guy’s forehead. His dead body fell on its back, the smile not leaving his face even after death. 

“You shouldn’t have hesitated,” Matt said and clutched his thigh with one hand, hobbling to a nearby chair. I could see the apathy got the best of him too.

I looked over at Scarlett and quickly ran to sit next to her. She had her eyes closed, but her chest was still moving up and down, indicating she hasn’t stopped breathing.

“Gosh, we have to call an ambulance or get you to a hospital. Do you guys have a phone?” I looked at Adam and Matt in panic.

“Screw it, Theo. There’s no chance.” Scarlett breathed out.

“What? No fucking way, I’m not letting you…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence. I didn’t want to finish it and say the d-word.

“It’s hopeless, I’m already halfway there.”

“No! I’m not letting you go!” I shouted, my voice breaking due to crying. Scarlett grabbed my hand and opened her eyes, looking right into my teary ones.

“I had a nice life, Theo. I broke free from home, I didn’t get caught for murder, I helped many people, I found my best friend again and I went to prison. It had been an adventure, I gotta go now.”

“No, you don’t! Gosh, please Scar, you can’t leave me now!” I cried even harder and leaned my head on her shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably. 

“I love you, Theo,” she whispered into my ear and stroked my hair with her hand.

“I love you too, Scar,” I whispered back. I could feel her hand getting numb and falling back on the scarf, which was by now completely soaked with blood. 

I cried so hard I started screaming at one point. Adam pulled me away from her and took me into a hug.

“Hey, I’m here, it’s okay, let it out.” He kept rubbing my back and messing with my hair. The gesture always calmed me down. 

I couldn’t deal with the thought that she was gone. My childhood best friend, the best woman I knew, one of the strongest people I knew. Life took her away from me again, but this time she wasn’t coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’m sorry for that, I cried my eyes out while writing this, but for some reason it felt right to do this now. I loved Scarlett and I know I haven’t written too much about her, but maybe there are some of you who liked her as much as I did. Rest in peace queen <3  
> Anyway, I got stuck while writing this chapter and I didn’t really know what direction I wanted to take the story in from this point and I really went through a few very tough days, but I figured it out eventually. We’re slowly coming to an end of this story, but don’t get sad, because (I don’t want to spoil it too much) I’m working on something special and hopefully it will work out the way I want it to. I’m also thinking about writing some kind of a bonus one-shot dedicated to Scarlett and I’d like to ask if you’d be interested in something like that (either from her past or maybe present time, you can tell me what you’d like to know about her, I’m open to suggestions) let me know, please.  
> Thank you for reading and support, see you soon <3


	21. Stay with me, Scarlett

I watched the coffin get lowered into the dug out grave. At this point, I didn’t have any tears left anymore. My eyes were burning and even the softest touch caused a jolt of pain go through the skin around them. Adam took my hand in his and gave me a look as if asking if I’m ready to leave. I sighed and nodded, thinking it was probably the best thing to do now, because if I didn’t leave right now, I would probably stay here the whole night.

As we were walking away, I noticed Matt leaning against one of the trees at the side of the cemetery. 

I let go of Adam’s hand and walked over to him, putting on an angry glance. 

“Has the guilt shoved your balls up your neck or do you just feel nothing at all?”

“Why don’t you just get out of my way? You have no reason to be pissed off right now.”

“Oh you think so? I have every goddamn right to be pissed off.”

“It was only for your own good, Theo. You were going insane from everything that was happening, this wouldn’t make you feel any better.”

“She would’ve been alive if we all worked together and got her out of there and kept her safe!” 

“You were the one who went solo, Theo! Open your fucking eyes, do you think she would just go sit in a small room and wait for it to magically end? No! You’re both the same stubborn bulls that just never listen!” 

It was the first time Matt raised his voice and it really did catch me off guard. I wanted to protest, but he was right. I was as stubborn as she was.

“Just look around, we got lucky they didn’t kill us all, but next time it doesn’t have to end up like this.”

“Next time?” My eyebrows furrowed and eyes found an invisible spot on the ground.

“What did you think? We still need you and you need us, mate. And, besides that, there are still things to be done.” He patted my shoulder and went to put a sunflower next to the grave, as it wasn’t fully finished yet.

“Let’s go home, we deserve a rest,” Adam said gently, his deep voice giving me goosebumps.

“You know, maybe I really was a dick to everyone, but the chaos blinded me,” I thought out loud while putting on my helmet.

“It’s in the past, the only thing you can do about it now is learn from it.”

“Why do you seem to take no side?” 

The memories of Adam’s supportive words crossed my mind and I sent him a confused look.

“Is there even a side in life? What you do is neither right or wrong, only the outcome changes, so when I told you to do what you would do if you could not fail, I only gave you a little push to choose one of the options, but really, you wouldn’t fail no matter what you would do, because there’s no such thing.”

“Something worse could’ve happened! Is that not failing to you?”

“It would be another outcome of the situation, but not failing. Life doesn’t stop at ‘bad decisions’, they simply just affect the next choices you’ll have to make.” He shrugged and put on his helmet as well.

“I must say, that medication has made you into some kind of ancient philosopher.” I shook my head and smiled.

“Well, then I might as well write a book about my great philosophies.”

These little jokes between us put a smile on my face, even though my best frienďs dead body was a few metres away from us, getting buried deep into the cold ground. But I think crying and spending days in depression would make Scarlett get up and come to my flat to kick my ass.

“That’s enough, get yourself together, put on a smile and do it in style, Theo,” she would say while dragging me out of the dirty, unmade bed. 

_ “Look, you can stay here however long you want and whenever you want.” I tried to calm her down as I could see she was almost choking at this point. _

_ Scar coughed a few more times before taking in a few deep, shaky breaths. _

_ “Thank you,” she managed to say before coughing up some more again. _

_ I got up from the couch and went to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. You couldn’t cry and drink at the same time, so I figured it would work. _

_ “Here, you need to replace all the tears you let out.” I handed her the cold glass and she chuckled.  _

_ Do you know what’s the best feeling ever? When you make someone smile. Whether they were sad, angry, happy or any other feeling, when you put a smile on a person’s face you experience something I can’t even describe, but I know it’s the one thing that feels better than love. _

_ “Do you have some painkillers? I’m getting a migraine.”  _

_ “Of course, I’m sure we have something.” _

_ I brought a box with a variety of pills and put it on the table. I picked out a few smaller boxes with different pain killing pills and let Scar pick out the ones she knew would help her.  _

_ She told me that some painkillers that helped others wouldn’t help her, so she had these special prescription pills for cases like this. I didn’t have those specific ones, but the package she picked out were probably the strongest painkillers we had. _

_ “I gotta warn you, they make me very sleepy, so I’ll probably fall asleep in a few minutes.” She threw the little box on the table, sat back on the couch and slowly sipped the cold water. _

_ “That’s okay, feel free to sleep however long you want, I won’t disturb you.” _

_ “I owe you so much, Theo.” _

_ “Don’t worry about that, friends help each other all the time.” _

_ “You’re giving me more than a helping hand right now.” Scar looked at me and it hurt me to see her puffy, red eyes staring into mine. “You’re giving me such hope as no one else before. And maybe you could also give me a blanket.” She cut off the serious atmosphere that crawled into the room and instead brought some laughter into it. _

_ “Sure.” I laughed and brought her the biggest, fluffiest blanket we had.  _

_ She lay one her side and her whole body disappeared under the huge blanket, only her eyes staring at something in front of her visible from the little cave. I made a promise to myself, that I would protect her at all costs. _

Adam’s grip tightened on me as I sped up a little. We rode around the cars stuck in traffic due to the damage from the events of previous days that still hasn't been entirely fixed yet. I kept coming back to what happened that day countless times during the day. As far as I knew myself, I’ll never let go of those memories. No memory has ever been this crystal clear and I won’t let it get blurry. I can’t.

“I was thinking of making pancakes for lunch today. What do you think?” Adam said all of a sudden when we were already in the elevator.

“Why pancakes?”

“Why not? I know you like them and we can maybe watch a movie or that TV show you mentioned the other day.”

“You still remember that?” My eyes lit up and I felt such love rise up in me, partly replacing the sadness I still felt.

“Of course.” He smiled at me.

I knew I was in love. I was one hundred percent sure about it now. Not that I haven’t been before, but it felt different now. It felt like my whole world was full of colours again and I had someone who truly appreciated me and loved me the same way I loved them. I trusted Adam and I knew I wanted to have him by my side for the rest of my life.

“I’ll be the chef today, you can go pick a movie and just relax, okay?” He gave me a kiss on the cheek and disappeared in the kitchen.

I went to the living room and my leather jacket over the sofa, not bothering to hang it up. I couldn’t care less at that moment to be honest. 

As my phone connected to the wifi I immediately received a bunch of notifications from Instagram. Thankfully, I put my phone on silent earlier and therefore didn’t lose my hearing abilities. When I finally checked why my phone was going crazy I found out people were still tagging me in various photos and posts. I really didn’t feel like dealing with it, so I just locked the phone and put it down, the screen facing the table surface.

When I turned on the TV I got another not so kind surprise. The news was on, talking about what happened. I rolled my eyes and wanted to turn it off while I looked for some good DVDs, but what the reporter said next caught my attention.

“The government didn’t ignore what happened and while they took full responsibility for not preventing the situation from happening, they also decided to take various precautions to avoid a repetition of these events. The prime minister would like to give a special thank you to Theo Hutchcraft, Adam Anderson, Matt Vines, Andrew Dankworth, Scarlett Barlow and the rest of their team. Thanks to them they were able to find everyone who was responsible for the attacks and disappearance of many people.”

I stared at the TV with an open mouth and didn’t want to believe what the reporter said. Did I just get a public thank you from the prime minister?

“Man, I told you kids will be learning about us in history classes,” Adam said from behind me. 

“Am I dreaming?”

“You’re not.” He chuckled and went back to finish the pancakes.

“See Scar? We did it.” I looked up at the ceiling with a smile, imagining I was looking into Heaven instead.

Maybe, after all, we really didn’t fail. And maybe we really can’t fail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don’t know how I feel about this chapter. My hands are shaking and I’ll probably be crying when writing the last chapter in the next few days, but we all know it has to end one day.  
> Through this note I’d like to say something that I’ve been thinking about for a while now. I decided to open up a bit more and explain a few things. For the past few years I’ve been struggling with some mental health issues that actually made me stop writing at all for quite some time and I thought I’ll never come back to it. The thing is that I have major mood swings and I go from very depressed to very happy each couple of months. This year I decided to visit a psychologist for the second time in my life and I got sent to a psychiatrist and was supposed to most likely go on medication that could prevent these mood swings being so rapid and unbearable (it’s literally only very bad or very good, there’s no in between), but since the situation is the way it is I didn’t get an appointment yet. It’s difficult to really get myself together sometimes and find the motivation and everything to just sit down and focus on writing, so when I don’t update for a longer time this is what’s going on behind the scenes. I know you probably won’t really care about me opening up about something like this, but I felt like I wanted to open up about this topic, because sometimes I update every 3 days and then I just disappear and come back with another ‘sorry but I had no motivation’ so I decided to just make everything clear.  
> Well, thank you for reading this long as hell note, I really appreciate if you read the whole thing and thank you for still staying with me and supporting me. Also thank you to onlybittersweet on ig for reminding me of Dory’s quote ‘just keep swimming’ because sometimes we really have to remember to just keep swimming. Alright, that’s all folks, see you soon in the last chapter of this story <3


	22. I found what I was missing when I fell into your arms

_ August, a month and a half later _

I woke up to a daylight outside of my window. Really, it was always the first thing I saw. The window somehow attracted me so much that it was always the number one thing my eyes landed on when I woke up. The clouds from yesterday’s storm were torn apart by the bright sun and I smiled at the thought of it being a sunny day today. Summer was slowly coming to an end and I wanted to enjoy every warm day before it was all gone.

I touched Adam’s hand that was hugging my stomach and gently put it off of me. I prayed to every God that existed that he wouldn’t wake up and as the lucky bastard I was, I thankfully didn’t pull him out of the dreamland. I quietly put on my sweatpants that I saw on a chair next to the bed and tiptoed to the kitchen. 

The radio on the very end of the counter was really tempting me and I promise I tried my best not to turn it on, but in the end I pressed the on button, immediately lowering the sound a few numbers down. The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang was playing and it reminded me of a certain moment a few months ago. It looked like I was living in one big déja vú right now.

I scrolled through all the recipes I saved throughout the year and tried to pick something both Adam and I would like to eat for breakfast. I was very excited to cook after a long time, but when I dismissed like twenty recipes, either because they were too complicated and I was lazy, I was missing an ingredient or I simply wasn’t in the mood for something like that, most of my excitement and motivation left me. 

“Gosh, why can’t I decide on something for once?” I muttered to myself and went to the beginning of my list again, giving it a second try. 

“Fluffy pancakes? Fine, internet, you convinced me.” I gave up and finally decided after checking other recipes I found on one of the websites.

The Bad Touch that was keeping me company was now replaced by Depeche Mode and I mentally praised the radio station for playing such good music in the morning.

As I was taking out a bowl to mix all the ingredients I accidently knocked over a few other bowls and they fell on the floor, most likely waking up the entire building.

“Fuck,” I cursed and stood still, worrying any other move would blow up the kitchen.

“Do you need help?” I heard Adam say. He looked me up and down with the single bowl in my hands and a guilty look in my eyes.

I sighed and looked at the mess next to me, disappointed my clumsiness ruined the surprise.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” 

I bent down and started picking up everything I knocked over. Adam was next to me in no time and helped me, even though I didn’t need him to do that, but, well, stubborn boyfriend, what more can I say?

“I wanted to surprise you.”

“We can do it together, it’s gonna be more fun.” He kissed my forehead and ruffled my already messy hair while putting the bowls into their place. I couldn’t help but smile and blush a bit. 

He was still making me go crazy and I always gave him heart eyes when we looked at each other. Not that he didn’t give me those looks, but he seemed to be more in control of his feelings. He was more or less used to it, I wasn’t. He’s been in relationships before, this was nothing new for him, so he wasn’t exactly crazy in love. Maybe it was just in my head and the reality was slightly different. 

“You need to mix it in very carefully, like this,” I said and put my hand over his, showing him how it was supposed to be done. 

“I want to try it.” He took the bowl from me and sat me down on a chair. I could see he was very ambitious, so I let him do it and meanwhile made tea for us both, because sitting on my ass and watching everything being done for me was an impossible task.

“You know, I was thinking,” he put another pancake on a plate, “we could have today for ourselves. We could have a picnic, clear our heads and just have fun. What do you think?” He looked at me with those blue eyes that pierced their way into your soul and waited for my answer. 

“Well, sure, why not?”

“Great.”

It surprised me. We’ve never done something like that before, but it seemed like a nice idea in my head. Romantic even.

We ate the breakfast in peace; Adam actually did a great job, I had to admit that and then we got ready to go and have that picnic. I took a blanket along with some snacks and waited for Adam. For some reason he was taking his time and I could faintly hear drawers being opened and shut here and there.

“Adam?” I called out annoyed. I was excited for that picnic!

“I’ll be right there!”

I rolled my eyes and leaned against the wall. I really hoped whatever he was looking for was damn fucking worth it.

“We can go now.” He smiled as if everything was okay and I wasn’t waiting for him for ten minutes.

“Did you find whatever you were trying to find?”

“Yes, don’t you worry about it.” He opened the door for me and rushed me outside.

“Adam, the last time I checked the world wasn’t ending. Calm down.”

“Can you blame me for being excited?”

“Can you tell me where we are going?” 

“I’ll give you the directions.”

“Oh, so, everything’s a surprise now?” 

It came out angrier than I thought, judging by Adam’s hurt expression.

“Trust me on this, okay? Your trust is all I need.”

“I trust you.”

“Good. Let’s go.”

He hopped on the motorcycle and circled his arms around my waist as always. I slowly drove through the streets of London, not missing a turn. Adam kept pointing to where I needed to turn and after a while we stopped on a very familiar place.

“Are you kidding?” I asked when I took off my helmet and looked at the calm river below the bridge we were standing on. The same bridge where we met for the first time almost three months ago.

“Surprise!” Adam threw his hands up into the air and came over to hug me.

“You’re unbelievable.” 

He unpacked all the snacks, his eyes lit up when he saw I took his favourite sweets, while I struggled to straighten out the blanket.

“Darling, you can’t make the blanket straight when we’re going to sit on it.”

“But I don’t want it to be all wrinkled and uncomfortable.” I was so focused on the damn blanket I completely missed Adam’s point. He, of course, noticed that, so he sat down on one half of it.

“See? Not straight anymore.”

“Oh shut up.” I laughed and sat next to him. Screw the blanket.

“Can you believe it’s been almost three months?”

“You talk as if we were an old married couple on their fiftieth anniversary.”

“What made you think that giving me a ride was a good idea? I mean, I was practically a stranger running away from the police, that usually isn’t a good sign.” Adam chuckled and looked at me.

“Well, I thought you were completely crazy, that’s for sure, but you somehow convinced me that you were, in fact, completely fine.”

“Oh and you believed me? Me?” He laughed and I laughed with him. We were making fun of it at this point, but back then? There wasn’t much to laugh about.

“I didn’t! I thought you were a murderer, don’t you remember?”

“Of course I do! I must admit, I was so pissed that you thought of me as a murderer that I thought about actually killing you, but, well, you saved my ass.”

“And then almost rubbed off your entire cheek.”

“I feel the pain to this day.” He sighed at the painful memory.

We went into every detail of that day and ate gummy bears. After many stressful, plain days, this was a great change. We could just talk, relax and enjoy each other’s presence.

“You know, I actually can’t wait for us to be an old married couple and reflect on these memories while sitting next to a fireplace and sipping on hot tea.” Adam suddenly said, putting another gummy bear into his mouth.

“We’re not even married yet and there’s still plenty of time until we get old.”

“Well,” he reached out for the bag we brought with us, “we can change one of those two.” 

He was holding something in his hand and my heart sped up when I guessed what it could be.

“Adam…”

“Theo, I know it hasn’t been exactly ideal for the two of us and it’s been only a few months that we’ve known each other, but you changed my life. Through all the one-night stands and failed relationships, life has led me to you and you showed me what love is. It’s not an obsession over someone’s good hairstyle, good looks or even sex whenever you feel like it. It’s about the connection, mutual understanding, respect and all the adventures you go through. That’s what makes a relationship strong. Or at least that’s what I came up with on the way here.” He smirked at the end when I almost had to wipe a tear away, but a laugh interrupted the action.

“So, Theo, my lovely boyfriend, by giving you this necklace I promise to stay by your side forever and one day exchange it for an engagement ring and, well, wedding ring later, obviously, but the future is still far away.”

“Gosh, Adam.” I wiped away some tears and sat there speechless.

“Do you accept it and promise to stay with me as well?” 

I looked into his puppy dog eyes, the blue hypnotising me as always. 

“I accept and therefore promise to stay by your side.” A small giggle left me when I put it that way.

“I hate how official and serious this has become, we have to break this tension.”

“It was a beautiful moment!”

“Thank you, I prepared it myself. C’mon, turn around, I want to finally see it on you.”

“Is that...a little motorcycle on it?” I asked when I, to my surprise, spotted a little motorcycle hanging off the silver chain.

“Yes, it’s the one thing that connected us in the first place.”

He took a look at me and satisfied with what he saw interlaced our fingers and looked at my motorcycle at the side of the road nearby.

“I think I forgive you for leaving me standing in the hallway for ten minutes.”

“I’m glad, because I panicked. I thought I lost it!”

“I’m happy that you didn’t. Thank you.” I hugged him, laying my head on his shoulder. He ran his hand up and down on my back and I relaxed into his touch, breathing out and taking another deep breath in. I felt at peace, I felt loved, I felt safe.

“When we go back, can we visit Scarlett? She’ll be pissed if we don’t tell her the news.”

“You’re right, we should stop by.”

“Can we go now?”

“We’ve been here for like an hour, Theo.”

“I know and it’s all perfect and I love it, but you know I can’t sit and do nothing for long.”

“As you wish.” Adam gave up and we were already packing shortly after we arrived. Maybe it was the excitement that made me so energetic that I could climb walls like a bug or maybe I just really couldn’t relax no matter what.

I drove us to the cemetery and quickly went to Scarlett’s grave, but slowed down once I spotted it in the distance. 

“Hi,” I began, but it was hard to continue. The weird feeling of talking to a stone shut me up for a moment, but I made myself believe there was Scar instead of that stone and words left me more easily.

“I think I should just get straight to the point. Adam wants to marry me. Well, not now, but one day in the future. Can you believe it?” I chuckled and looked at the flowers on the ground. “It’s a crazy thought, but I guess that’s what he does. I mean, jumping on someone’s motorcycle was the beginning of all the crazy stuff, but marriage? That’s just…” a small tear escaped my eye and I blinked to help it get out faster, “that’s borderline mad. It’s both scary and exciting and if that ain’t mad enough then nothing is. But...I’m still happy to see the future. It would be more exciting if you were here to look at it with me though.”

Adam carefully came up behind me to not interrupt my monologue.

“I know you thought you would go to Hell after death, but I think you deserve the party in Heaven. You deserve it more than some of the people that actually get there,” I chuckled.

Adam gently put his hand around my waist and I leaned my head on his shoulder. We had a minute of silence out of respect for Scarlett.

“Do you ever wish you could turn back time to the good old days? Before the bad stuff happened?” I asked him.

“What do you mean?”

“Would you like to go back to the time when everything was good and peaceful, before all the chaos in the world?”

He stayed quiet and I wasn’t expecting an answer from him anymore, but he surprised me.

“Was it really good before if there had to be a change later?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is folks, the end of this story. I honestly can’t thank you enough for the support you showed me while writing this story. I never wanted to write it, I thought no one would be interested in something like this, no one would read this crap and then just...you guys did and that made me feel complete. Writing is my passion and I mostly wrote stuff for myself, but at some point during quarantine I decided to send something out into the world and when I saw that someone is actually reading it I really felt what I’ve never felt before. I felt like I finally wasn’t useless and had a purpose, I felt complete and happy and that’s all thanks to you. You, who started to read this story and finished it to this very end. From the depths of my heart, to everyone reading this note- thank you <3
> 
> Mona x

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Scarlett](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28286559) by [DescendingAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DescendingAngel/pseuds/DescendingAngel)




End file.
